I am still baffled by death. For more than 20 years I have mulled over the infinite possibilities that could be the accumulative reality of life, meaning more simply, what happens when we are no longer living, but I have yet to agree with any of these ideas. I’ve looked at a number of different religions and what they believe will happen, though I must admit, not all of them, but I’m still not satisfied. And it’s this unsatisfaction that I believe could be the main point of misery for me when death enters my life in some of it’s many appropriate, dumb-founded and catastrophic ways. Of course, the source of my confusion could have much more to do with why I think we’re here in the first place, but even then, nothing adds up and I’m beginning to wonder if that’s just the way it is. Things aren’t meant to add up. What if there wasn’t a balance so to say in the human world? What if our lives and deaths are mere figures in an endless chain of code that is meant for the whole universe to remain balanced? What if the only karmic reality in human consciousness is self-imposed law? What if instant karma is just a matter of chance? What if life really isn’t fair?
I have struggled with that last one for years. I don’t really know why I’ve held on to the childish idea that life could possibly be fair. Perhaps I am just naïve. But I like to have hope, I suppose. Or, perhaps I prefer to have a fall-back. I’m sticking with naïve. I suppose the real issue is that I have a problem accepting that death can just happen to anyone at anytime. Okay, it’s not that I’m having a problem. That is my problem. It gives me fear, a ludicrous fear, I know, because most normal people have accepted this fact a long time ago. But death has been so close to me in the past few years. I am at that age now where not only family members die, but friends die as well. And sometimes those deaths are so unexpected that I wonder what in the world they did for such a karmic reality to be imposed upon them and the people around them? Or I wonder, what did the people around them do that my friend’s death was the solution to maintain the balance?
And this is where I get lost. What if it’s not that simple? What if the universe doesn’t care about karmic retribution? What if bad things just happen to good people? And then I wonder if that expression even can hold true in death. I mean, who am I to say if death is bad for the person who died? If it’s all white lights and fluffy clouds and happiness and pleasure, then it must be a God-send from this reality. Death is just horrible for the people left behind. And I suppose that’s my other issue – It is horrible for the people left behind. The unknowing. The learning to cope with the loss of that person’s light. And then one day there’s your brain’s mystical acceptance that they just aren’t coming back. Funny thing about death. Most of us are scared to go, but next to no one ever comes back. And those that do have strange stories.
I suppose then that death is only horrible for the people who are still here. Maybe that’s why I’m baffled. Maybe I’m more baffled that people are so capable of altering our lives that when they leave us, a piece of us will always ache for that touch, whether it was emotional, mental or physical. And as more people exit our lives, the more we ache in little ways for what once was . I cope well with change. I do. But I suppose I am learning that I do not cope well with that ache. It baffles me. It baffles me that I can not forget.