My eyes are sore from crying. They feel like a thousand tons. It doesn’t really matter though, because it helps me rationalize why I can’t lift them to look anyone in the eyes. The world is still going. It’s still turning and babies are still being born and the wind is still blowing and there’s laughter and love, but babe – I can’t see through the blur. It’s like a hundred channels are on at once and I can’t concentrate for the life of me, nor zero in on what the hell is in front of me… it just keeps whizzing by like I’m inside a tornado. It’s fucked up, but I really don’t care.
I understand that we don’t live forever. I understand that. But why you, Dave? Why did you have to go? What the hell is the universe’s plan that I have to exist without you? Why would I be given total peace and happiness and love only for the world to take it away? Your touch on my face. Your legs wrapped on mine. “I’m so coming home.” You looked me in the eyes. You were so serious. You couldn’t sleep. I have no idea what internal battle was going on in you that day, but you booked your ticket eventually. I didn’t want to push you. I wanted you to make your own choice. I wanted you to come home to me on your own accord. I was pissed, Dave. You wanted to stay another week! Didn’t you have any idea how much I was missing you? Didn’t you know that I couldn’t sleep well without you? Didn’t you know I was sick to my stomach worrying about you and fearing that you wouldn’t make it home? And then that day. That launch. What the fuck, Dave??? Why didn’t you correct that turn? Why were you 100 feet off? What the hell were you doing? You were just a baby in this sport. We should have taken better care of you. We should have curbed some of your enthusiasm so you could maybe still be alive today. It’s all great ideas and fun, but you need to live through it dammit! And yet – I know you weren’t afraid to die and were often unconcerned about the outcome. You did your best and if it wasn’t enough – so be it – I’m sure you thought. But you left me here you asshole! I’m alone! And I have to now figure out what this whole fucking shit-hole of a planet means again. I have to try and find a purpose again. I have to try and see it all sunny and rosy and happy –like shit-fuck so I can get on with some kind of life in some kind of world that means some kind of thing to me so I’m not just a fucking zombie on this rock. Why the hell is this my path? I’m sick and tired of trying to come up with things to do on this planet in this body. I’m tired, Dave. They keep changing the rules.
Dave. Your body was cremated yesterday. It’s gone. A pile of bits and ash. There’s no vehicle left and no one bothered to tell me. I read a post. Your mother’s post. That’s how I knew. You are evaporated and gone, and now I’m truly alone. So now what? How do I go on in a world without you? I’m afraid of forgetting you. I’m afraid of those moments that I don’t think of you. I’m scared it will mean I’m a horrible person if I learn to live without you. But you’re not here anymore, Dave! You’re not here and I for some fucked-up reason I still am! I thought I found my soulmate in you. But you remember when I told you my thoughts on soulmates? How I thought we had tons of them in our lives. Was this your way of testing that theory? I struggle with life enough as it is and yet now I have another challenge to live through and carry with me every single day of my life. I know there are people worse off. I know this. But it brings no comfort to me right now. If you were here you would be relaxing me. You’d be calming me down as only you knew how and that baffled me. But you’re not here and that’s the problem. I know days will come when I will see bits of you in your friends, in your Gavy and Leandra. I know days will come when I will smile and be glad that I knew you and that you enriched so much of my life. But those weren’t the days I was once looking forward to. I know you gave me something special – but I can’t see it right now through the blur. I know within me there’s something special that made you fall in love with me. But Dave, I’m afraid you took it with you. I’m scared I’m no longer special – that I was only special to you.