another day

It’s two weeks since you left.

It makes my sick that I can’t talk to you. I have one 32-second video I took of you. That’s it. I rely on the videos others have posted on Facebook of all places to hear your voice, see you alive and watch you do things your way. But I can’t watch them all the time. Sometimes I’m not strong enough to hear your voice. There is so much I didn’t know about you – so much I was looking forward to learning. I was guarded with you my love. I was scared. I was worried that you would break my heart. Those days that passed when you said you would book your ticket home, oh Dave, I was physically ill waiting to hear from you. I just knew you weren’t going to book it. And you didn’t. You just kept delaying coming home. I don’t blame you, but it hurt. It hurt everyday that you didn’t book your ticket. I didn’t want to tell you. I was going to wait until you came home, until we were snug in bed and chatting like we did for hours on end. I didn’t want to upset you, but I also didn’t want you to see me as weak. But we both know what you did to me. You made me so mushy. I was so gay around you. You turned me into a girl. I would melt in your arms and you found that extraordinary. I am madly in love with you Dave and now I have to learn to move on.

I have flashes all day of when I saw you last. Sometimes I have to ignore them. I’m so exhausted from being strong. I hear you talking. I feel you touching me. I see you smiling at me. I see you thinking. I woke up that first night and you weren’t there, but you were in the shower and I giggled. So much better than the gym I suppose. Ah Dave… and making love… well, those memories are the best and mine alone now. It bothers me that it hurts to think about you and picture you as alive. It breaks me into tears instantly. Was it a blessing that we were apart for those seven months? Or was that our curse? We spoke everyday in some shape or form but even if I feel it wasn’t enough, it can’t be changed. I’m so glad I went to San Diego. I’m so glad we got those four days and three nights, even if you hardly slept that third night. You said your mind was racing. You had a million things to think of. You walked around all night and i slept, but when you crawled back into bed, we were snug, so close, it makes me smile. Dave, I miss your touch.

I pinned a photo of you to my curtain. You couldn’t believe I took a picture of you while you slept. I’m really glad I have it now Dave. Now you sleep beside me still.

I have decided as my tribute to you that I will try to remain positive and celebrate the fact that you lived. As pissed off as I am at you for dying and leaving me alone here, I will try and stay positive. As my tribute to you I will keep your love in my heart. I will look at each day for its possibilities. I will rejoice that I knew you – that you lit up my heart and my soul and my life. I will take pride and comfort that you loved me as you did. My heart was so full. You filled me to the brim and that is something, a feeling, that I can never forget. You changed me Dave. All my friends saw it. They still see it. You changed me. I’d say thank you if I could, but I can’t yet.


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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