I can still hear your voice on the phone. You liked when I called and woke you up. You said thank you – it’s nice to hear my voice first thing in the morning. I found that funny but sweet. I miss waking up with that excitement I’d get – I couldn’t wait to talk to you. I miss it with every ounce of my being. It aches so much my legs go weak. I just want to text you. I just want to talk to you. But you’re even dead in my dreams. How can that be? How can we survive in this life?
We had our doubts about us. We both did. You weren’t sure and neither was I, and that part of our time was fraught with our own inner battles. But what matters, Dave, is that in the end we knew what we had was special. As soon as I met you in San Diego – the happy you – the new you – we both instantly knew. You were coming home to me. You were headed home. And we were on the edge of continuing our journey together. Oh, And what a journey we had planned. I don’t understand the unfairness of life. I don’t really get how things can change so quickly. I don’t like or understand one bit that this is how things have to be. I don’t like this world without you. I don’t like it cause it seems so cruel. It’s not happy anymore. There’s no hope or joy. We were on the edge Dave – and then you never came home. We were on the edge and then you disappeared from this world – in a flash – so quick – I had no time to say good-bye or tell you not to go. I’m scared, Dave. I’m scared I can’t recover. And I’m scared I will. I’m scared that there are worse things out there. I’m scared this will happen again. I’m scared my heart will never be unbroken. I’m scared that I will never find joy or hope again. I’m scared I will be a zombie forever. I’m scared Dave. I’m scared of this life without you. I’m scared of the years to come, of every June 10th that passes. How many years will I live through this? That I had love and it was taken away. I keep asking the universe if it’s serious. I can’t think or see at all anymore. There used to be beauty in the world and how it worked, but it’s as if it’s reminded me so definitively of the horror in it too I didn’t want this reminder. I don’t want to experience this horror – this nightmare come true. Everyday it’s a little more real. Everyday I survive I can’t fathom the next. How could this world be so wonderful if I’m to exist without you? I don’t see it Dave. I don’t see a future anymore. I’m not there. I’m not in my future. I don’t think I exist anymore. It’s like I’ve been erased and there’s something else there instead. I am not the same Dave. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I miss you. I’m dying without you.
I went sailing yesterday. I got motion sickness, so it was kind of hard to enjoy. Everything is hard to enjoy. I hurt in ways i didn’t know I could hurt. And that hurt, I’ve been told,is gonna be there for a long long time. That love, I’ve been told, is gonna be there for a long long time. But it’s really hard to focus on love.
I went swimming in the lake last night, drunk. I laughed Dave. I laughed and had fun even though there was seaweed on my legs and the water is scary at night. I remembered how safe you made me feel that night we went to the beach. You held me tight in the moonlight as we looked to the water and calmed to the waves. I couldn’t go under this time Dave. You really did make me feel safe in the world. Now I have to remind myself that I’m alone. But I suppose we really are always alone, though I never have wanted to believe that. But i laughed Dave. For the first real time since you died – I enjoyed something life had to offer. Maybe it was because I was drunk and I could forget that you weren’t there. Maybe it was because I was drunk and it helped me focus on that love.
This is all still so unreal. It’s so hard to believe in this life. Who would make it such a way?