I know what I wrote yesterday, but today just isn’t the same. None of this is fair. None of it. I want to scream – throw a temper tantrum – anything. Just give him back to me. Please. Please. Please. Please. I’m so sick of being strong. I’m so tired of trying to see the positive. We had love. So much love. We had peace in each other. I was waiting so long for you to come home Dave!! But now I wake up in the morning and you’re not there. You’re supposed to be there. I go to work and I look around, but you’re not there. You’re supposed to be there. I get groceries – we were supposed to be eating dinner together. You were going to bbq for me. Dave – my heart is breaking. My soul is breaking. My spirit is breaking. All I can think about is how you’re not here. I’m trying. I am. I really am. But it’s not fucking fair. And no one really understands. No one gets it. Yesterday I was brave. Yesterday I knew I had to learn to live without you. I knew how to live before I met you. But today – today, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to learn to live without you. I want to refuse this reality. I want you to come home like you said. Now I have to wait forever – until it’s my time to go. Today I can’t breathe. Today I can’t function. Today I’m so aware that you’re not here and it’s killing me. I don’t know how to do this healthy. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to want to let go. Why is death so final Dave? Where did you go?

I sewed new curtains, I couldn’t wait for you to see how crafty I am. I recovered the cushions, ripped out the stove, broke down a wall, threw out half my clothes, patched the roof, grew some plants, moved the TV, built some new shelves, bought sexy lingerie, lost tons of weight, made room for you here … Dave, I had made us a home to live in until we went south.

You wanted to quit smoking, eat better, work, jump, find a ground-launching hill nearby, see Gavin and have him for at least a full week or two, blow some glass, go to the tunnel, party at PST, see Jacob and your friends, bbq, go to the beach, drive your car to the junkyard, pay back your friends, marry me, have an epic relationship with me, pay me the $500 bucks you owed me (I knew you’d run out of $$), learn more about what we liked, sleep in sometimes, BASE jump, learn video, oh, and so much more…

…. you kept saying you’d make it all up to me. For each day you delayed, for each time you didn’t phone, for how you left me hanging. You said you’d make it up to me …

On the day you died – two hours before – you left us all a message. My hope is that one day I am at peace with it.

David Ogison Is freakin lovin life!!!
surrounded by soo many great people!!
pulling lifes big red handle was the best decision I have ever made :o)

10 June at 15:38 via Mobile Web ·

FreeFly Child I know how u feel bro I envy you as I am bounded by duty :(that is my only frigin dream…cutaway…reserve.

..from life 😀

10 June at 15:45 · Like

Tom Jordan We are truly rich people

10 June at 15:49 · Like

Chris Porter Wicked. How’d you do it? (money and such)

10 June at 16:21 · Like

David Ogison you just do it..like leaving a main that will kill you..

I left a situation that was kiling me..

10 June at 16:26 · Like

Donald Humphries wow, dave

10 June at 19:28 · Like


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
This entry was posted in coping, death, grief, heartbreak, loss. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to :'(

  1. Mary P says:

    I hope you don’t mind me reading your blog because it is very personal but then again it’s on your ‘public’ site… you are right, nobody really understand because we haven’t gone through what you are going through. People are just trying to help but you know that, of course. I can only imagine what you are going through because I have been lucky in life. Yet, I still hurt for you (or with you… whatever the proper English is, you know what I mean). Every day. Always thinking of you.

    • humanbeen says:

      I don’t mind one bit. I find it helps me to get it out of me. And I think Dave would be proud and happy that my writer’s block is gone. Mostly, he’d just be happy that I’m writing. Thank you for the kind words.

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