I’m angry today. I’m pissed off and mad at how life can just swoop in and steal away happiness. I was so happy. Life was finally making some sense – and then BAM. My world is ripped asunder because I dared to fall in love – because Dave dared to live rather than exist – because gravity. The ache in my body hasn’t faded one bit. I have only been learning to live with it. And while everyone tells me that in time I will feel fine, in time I’ll fall in love again, I can’t help but think that in time there still won’t be my Dave. It has been 20 days. Twenty days without him and everything I know in life is changed. This is bullshit. This is complete bullshit and I want it all put back the way it was.
I have been storing my memories. I have been reminding myself everyday, a million times a day, that he is not coming back – that he is gone – that there will be no more new memories. And the connection we had, I still have, it’s choking me everyday. What did any of us do to deserve this? Why was Dave’s time over? And why am I so crazy that I long for the time I will see him again. Why does it hurt so much? Why? Why can tears just form in my eyes with just a thought? Why does my chest ache and my chin and throat seize when I think of him and our life? Had I known this would happen, I would never have gone to New Zealand. I can’t believe I have to learn to live again – and in a different world – as a different person – because Dave, well, he changed me.
I feel obsessed, and I probably am. I don’t deal well with this level of emotion. Dave always said he liked my intensity and my passion, and while it amazed me because I’ve always thought of those as faults, he always knew how to calm me down, relax me and put me at ease. I don’t know if I’m going through any of this correctly. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is real because I really don’t know what is real right now. All I know is i want Dave here with me, and he’s not coming. I’m alone. He left me here alone. And I’m alone once again and I hate it. And he promised me. He promised me.
I know this isn’t all about me. I know I’m not the only one hurting. I hope in time I can learn that from Dave, because he always had enough heart for everyone.