Clarity hurts


I have moments of clarity. They’re like brief reminders of who I once was or who I still am or something like that. Sometimes they’re flashes of the present, as it is. For a moment I return and it’s real that you’re not there. For a moment I know who you are, that you were real, and that you died. You died so suddenly. For a moment, sometimes that is real. But I can hear a familiar voice and I’m fairly certain it is me. Solo me. Not, however, the me who was Dave and me. I always thought of it as We. I was Sheri who is with Dave. Nearly every thought I had had Dave in it. Nearly every single one. But I can’t think that way anymore because it’s no longer true. It is no longer Sheri and Dave. It is no longer We. I am merely Sheri again and I’m already so lonely. I had given myself so completely to you, Dave. I trusted it all. I trusted that we would have a future. I trusted that feeling I had, that gut gut feeling. Our connection was so strong. I’d pick up my phone and a moment later I’d get a text from you. It mystified me and I loved it. I loved our connection. I loved you. I respected you so much. I adored you. When you’d wrap your arms around me, every problem would go away. I’d melt in your arms, and that mystified me too. Neither of us understood it. It was such bad timing in the beginning. It was such bad timing for all of it. I can’t explain the hurt. Often it just comes from nowhere. But now there’s also this anger and that pisses me off. I had only just begun to be at terms with the world. I had learned to see the brighter side of almost everything. But this … this is dark.  I don’t like the darkness. I was so happy and now it’s all disappeared. How can this really be the world we are all so happy to live in? How can people be okay with life just vanishing? People have said that at least you were happy. At least you were doing what you loved. And part of me gets that, but other parts are intolerant and greedy and want my 6’2 man back. Your steal eyes, your chiseled jaw, your crooked teeth, long eyelashes, tiny butt, strong arms, tattoos, large hands, mischievous grin, gentle voice, gentle touch, long neck, scruffy face – fuck Dave! Why did you not come home? Remember how we thought that if We could survive the winter, if our love for each other survived the winter, if that tingle and chest tightening feeling survived the winter that we should go all theway. We thought we should go for it! I was just waiting for you to come home to me. To Us. But you never made it Dave. And I don’t know what that means.

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About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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