I feel so tricked. I feel like I have been taken. The universe ensures I meet an awesome man. The universe ensures he’s just right for me. The universe gives me no reason to doubt the connection. And I fall hook line and sinker. But what I don’t know is that the universe is planning to take him away. What I don’t know is it won’t work out. What I don’t know is that I will feel like a fool and a weakling for letting myself believe in love. All this pain for giving into the dream. All this pain for hope of an amazing life. I am shattered. I feel like a failure. I feel like I would give anything to go back and not pursue this man. Not let myself fall hopelessly in love with this man and our life. And I’m scared what I will do to survive this. Will I turn into one of those bitter people? Will I doubt everything, remove the rosy glasses? Will I stay cold and crude – self defense at it’s best. Stay away from me, lest I get too close. I don’t know why these are thoughts now. I feel like I should constantly be thinking about Dave. But I don’t. And I can’t. And sometimes I yell out loud at him. And sometimes I cry and I don’t even know what I was thinking – I just cry.
People have said to remember the good times, but they make me cry. I have never felt happier. I have never felt more at peace. I feel so tricked and betrayed. Why would life do this to me? Why did he get to leave? Why did his journey suddenly change when he was so set on having one with me? Dammit Dave!! I loved you! I still love you! But I’m scared. Little bits of you are already falling away. I can’t think whole-heartedly about him. I just can’t. It hurts too much. My brain keeps pushing him farther away and it makes me even sadder. But I can’t help it. It hurts too much. I can’t keep choking. I need breaks. I never thought for a moment in my life that I wouldn’t grow to be old. Dave on the other hand was always surprised he lived another day. I am thinking maybe I have taken life for granted. Maybe that is why I am so astounded. Tomorrow is a gift, not a promise. Fuck Dave. I have so much to tell you.