Dave, you made my world bigger. You made my life more amazing. You made me more amazing. When people would talk about how awesome of a dude you were, I’d brim and think – that’s right, and he’s mine. When they said you were so infectiously happy, I couldn’t help but think that was a lot of my doing. I know I made you so happy. I know you couldn’t wait to get home to me, but now it is I who must wait to get home to you.

I so wasn’t prepared for you. We talked about it at length. You had just moved out of what was your family home and accepted that it was all over. You told me about that day when you shut the door to that apartment. That’s when your old life ended. But you changed your life. You moved into the house at the DZ. You would rush home from work to get in a jump or wake up early to get one in before you left to work. Your enthusiasm was astounding, and beautiful. You took control of your life and you changed it, and that’s not an easy thing to do. I know you didn’t mind your job, but everyday that you paid off some bill from your old life you’d remember why you took that job in the first place. The reasons were all gone and you knew that it was time to move on from that too. You just weren’t brave enough yet. And that’s when we met. I remember the day so well. I remember how nervous you were to talk to me. It brings a smile to my face as I think of it all. But I too was in a bad place in my life, yet, like you, I was changing it around for me. I didn’t need another man in my life so soon. I kept you at arms length and you didn’t seem to mind. But that feeling. Do you remember that feeling? I’d never had that feeling go on for so long. There was electricity and passion, some kind of fire and peace, a worldliness and a home-sense – and that lasted until the end of our days. But that feeling – you ignited something in me – I ignited something in you. We would talk about it. We were scared it would slip away, but it never did.

You would call me on your breaks from work. I would message you on msn. It was so easy to talk to you. You told me it was so nice to actually care about what someone was saying. You made me laugh. You made me feel loved. You made me happy and peaceful. But all along the days were counting down and both of us were trying so hard to not fall in love. I remember the day I told you. I said, “I broke the rules.” You were curious but weren’t sure exactly what I meant. I told you I had gotten attached. I told you I thought I was falling in love with you. I remember you looked so relieved. You said, “Thank God. Me too.” Was it then that you got brave? I’m not sure when. But soon you told me of your plan to quit your job. You told me that if I wasn’t staying in Ontario over the winter than you sure as hell weren’t. I couldn’t blame you. You were so nervous. You’d never been on an airliner before. You’d never been on such an adventure. I told you you would love it. I told you you would have the time of your life. I told you it would change you forever. My only worry was that you’d never want to come home.

I miss you Dave. My world has gotten smaller. It seems so mundane and dull. I ache for you and the light you brought to my silly little life. Dave you are amazing. You made me so much more. When I shine come happier days, I’ll be shining because of you.


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
This entry was posted in coping, death, grief, heartbreak, loss, starting over. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Dave

  1. spirit2go says:

    I understand your unspeakable grief. Rips the heart right out of your body. I am sorry for you, and I am sorry for me.
    Here’s to some relief in the not too distant future.

    l&l (love & light)

    • humanbeen says:

      Thank you Arlene. For now this is part of my release. When happier days come hopefully it will transform into something else.

  2. Catherine says:


    I worry about you but I read your blog almost everyday to see how you are. I am glad you are writing, at least you have an out. That is good. All of us need it, a healthy one at least and I believe this is it for you.
    I am not there to hold you up or let you have someone to yell,cry or punch on but please believe me when I am there for you no matter what.
    You are going through the grief the way a person who loved is suppose to go through and I know eventually…eventually there will be good times again….you are doing good girl, and you will be happy again.
    Love you

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