I have never been this sad. I have never felt so disappointed with life. And for the first time ever, in my whole entire existence, I actually believe that life is not fair. I never believed that before. But I get it now. I actually get it and it sucks. This is not the life I wanted. I never wanted to have this experience. I never wanted to live without Dave. I never wanted to have to go through any of this. But here I find  myself – in the midst of a process – on some life altering, world changing, self-something-or-other experience that I would never wish on anyone. And through all of it, the worst part, is Dave isn’t here to help me get through it. Dave isn’t here! Life isn’t fair. I get that now. I hate it. I hate that Dave is dead. I hate that I have to live without him. I hate that I can’t talk with him. I hate that he can’t hold me. I hate that this world is so brutal. I hate that I can feel such hurt and emptiness. I’m afraid of tomorrow. I’m afraid my life will never be good again. I’m afraid the best has come to pass and I will live far too many years, only  longing and waiting to join Dave.

Yesterday I met Dave’s dad and step-mom. They imparted to me a fifth of Dave’s cremains so that I may give him the ash-dive he wished to have. I can’t imagine what it must be like for them. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to lose your only son. And then to have the task of dividing his ashes so those who loved him can say good-bye in their own way. I can’t imagine the strength that would take, but I know it would be a task of love – far greater love than I’m sure many will ever have to prove. I am so grateful for them. I’m so grateful that they are strong and could do this. I don’t think I would have had the strength. But many of us never know how strong we are until we have no choice but to be.

I have thought of doing the jump in September. But after yesterday I realized I probably won’t be ready. I am no where near ready to let him go yet. And I know Dave may be upset by that. I know he would want me to get up there and jump and have fun and party and get on with life. I know he would want me to not mourn him but celebrate him.  I know. But I’m far too injured right now to function. Most days I’m on auto-pilot trying to carry on with the normalcies of everyday. But I’m not there. The world has changed too much too quickly. I can’t celebrate that the world is not fair. I can’t party or jump. I can’t even let myself have fun. There’s an emptiness I’m trying to cope with. There’s an emptiness that will always be there and it hurts more than I can truly define. I am lonely. My heart has been attacked by the most powerful force in this world and it is exhausted. It is injured. It is maimed and bleeding and is gasping for breath. I need time. Dave will get his ash-dive.

For now all the little bits of love all pale in comparison to that big love, though I’m sure one day they will be greatly needed. For now, however, I just need to cry for Dave. I’m not ready to let go. I don’t know if I ever will be. Dave is my biggest love. I know that I was his. I just really hoped I’d have him forever. But life isn’t fair. And I hate that I had to learn that. Dave was one of the good ones. He was special. He was alive. He lived. He was in love with me and I will always miss him. I will always long for his touch.


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
This entry was posted in death, fear, grief, heartbreak, loss. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to life

  1. catherine tammaro says:

    Dear Sheri,
    We know how much you, like so many, loved David.

    We also know that yours was a special love of the most intimate kind. We mourn your loss and grieve with you, and for all of us: friends and family; past and present, those here and those no longer with us.

    Phil and I wish you peace, solace and happiness.

    David’s Step Mother.

  2. Noelle says:

    honey.. you dont have to let him go yet… not until you are ready… and that will be when it will be..

    Dave wouldnt want you to be going through this pain, thats true.. none of us want you to be going through this pain.. but it has to be gone through… and you are right. you are too injured and hurt now to be able to just “get on with it”… if you had smashed in and broken multiple bones no one would be telling you to hop to it!… this is an injury at least as bad… and it takes time… be kind to yourself… and cry all the tears you need to.. you and you alone will know when this time is past.. tho the loss never will be…

    hugs and strength and love to you girl.


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