I am feeling confused. For some reason I did not really cry yesterday. I had a few moments where my eyes teared up and few moments where some sobs erupted out of my throat, but I did not really cry – well, except at the end of the day as I recalled many things I miss about Dave. I have inflicted a form of photographic torture upon myself with a makeshift collage on my kitchen table. Dave Dave Dave. Dumb? maybe. But I’m just trying to keep him present and I think for some reason that photos of memories past will help me do that. A friend says I’m not crying because my survival instinct is beginning to kick in. Another friend says I am beginning the process of healing. I don’t know what’s happening, but I do know that i don’t get as upset all the time when memories of Dave and I pop into my head. Of course, i don’t automatically drift into the thoughts of ‘no longer have’ and ‘will never have’ much lately either. Those thoughts were tormenting as well. Maybe, though, maybe I’m just having a couple of good days.
Keeping him present is a mind trip though. He was not present physically for seven months before he died. We talked everyday in some way or form. But we were not in each other’s lives in the way we wanted to be. We did not go to sleep together, we did not wake up together, we did not eat together, we did not shower together, we did not live together, we did not see each other for seven months, except that trip in May to San Diego. Except for Skype until his laptop got ripped off. But the separate journey was important. I needed him to come home. My heart was dying without him. And then he never came home … Keeping him present is difficult because he changed so much in his last three months. He got happy. He got focused. He got his dream-life. Dave finally figured it out and he was so excited to get home to me so we could begin our adventure together. But it is an adventure we will never have. Keeping him present hurts me to the core because I completely understood him, I knew what he was after, I was waiting for him – and then his journey in this existence ended. I push him out of my head because it’s too hard to feel the loss. I push him out because it incapacitates me. I push it out because I know I am still here and I’m no longer afraid. I never understood how soldiers could march into battle with death so imminent, but I get it now. And I’m no longer afraid. But keeping him present remains difficult because I love him.
Love changes everything. Love changed my whole outlook on life and this world. Love is the most special and bedazzling experience I have ever encountered. Dave was love. Dave is love. Love is truly enchanting and scary. That man that Dave was – he was incredible. He was astounding. He bewildered me in so many ways. And while it’s all gone, while he will never be there again, I know that I was the last human on this planet that he was in love with. I know that I made him a little gaga at times. And I know that I was smitten, moonstruck, besotted and crazy for that man. I don’t like to think about what I no longer have. I have decided to focus on what i did have. I’ve decided to keep the memories alive any way I can. I know I will still have bad days, but I do know that Dave left me with something so powerful and so breath-taking that those bad days will have no choice but to leave me be. He left me with the key to life. He left many of us with the key to life.