One year ago, today

Me and Margo went to the butcher shop in Welland. She had this idea to cook dinner for the boys on the DZ to say thank you for something. I don’t really recall what the reason was. It was more a gesture of gratitude I suppose. I was chopping veggies and making a salad and running in and out of my trailer trying to get the picnic table outside set up and that’s when I saw you. You were walking with Kyle over to Rick’s trailer. It didn’t phase me much. You were just a new guy on the DZ and I didn’t know who you were so I was curious, but you didn’t really strike me as anyone special. We had tons of food, so Margo thought it would be polite to invite you both to the barbecue. You guys accepted our invitation and we sat at the picnic table and we ate steak, potatoes, peppers and salad. You didn’t talk much. You seemed incredibly shy. You just kind of sat there and looked slightly uncomfortable eating your steak. Later you told me you had heard that people at Burnaby were pretentious and cliquey. You were caught off guard by the generosity and acceptance. I don’t remember the discussions. I don’t recall what chatter we had at the table, but I remember the potatoes were a little underdone. No one seemed to mind though.

Much of the night is a blur. But. We were at the fire and you were sitting next to me. We were chatting about something, I have no idea what, but I just decided to kiss you. You woke up in my trailer the next day. Later you told me that Kyle told you he wouldn’t respect you in the morning. Later you told me that Kyle had warned you to stay away from me, that I was crazy. Much later you told me that you have absolutely no idea where Kyle was getting his information from. But that night you told him that you would still like him in the morning and you joined me in my trailer.  That was July 17, 2009. The day we met.

The next day you were Mr. Shy again. You hardly talked to me the whole day. You jumped and packed your rig near me, but you could hardly look at me and I thought you were embarrassed or something. At one point we attacked Jay with rubber bands and I recall you saying that we were brutal, but in all honestly it was just fun. The sunset and you had a beer in your hand and you finally spoke to me. I called you on it. I said something about your liquid courage and that your voice only comes out at night and you admitted being kind of shy and not sure what to say. That night I invited you to watch some movies in my trailer. You came along and we drank some beer and watched some of a movie I think. But then we just started talking and making out and talking. It was so easy to be around you. We woke up the next day and you promised me that you’d talk to me whilst the sun was up. You made me laugh.

I recall telling you that I was single but 100 per cent unavailable. I told you about my recent break up and heart-wrenching ordeal. You concurred with me. It would be a most excellent arrangement. The sex was amazing! Neither of us wanted any kind of attachment.  It was like a fairy-tale only for adults. We didn’t realize it yet, but our connection was strong from the beginning.

You slept over again the next night if I recall. Or was it only the two nights? For some reason I remember you and Kyle staying until Monday. I think you had some time off work. I remember you adding me on Facebook the next day. I messaged you and told you you had left your hoodie in my trailer. It was your blue one from Sky Venture New Hampshire. You instant chatted me a few days later and asked me to tell you a story because you were bored. I told you some bizarre tale about a witch who demanded sexual pleasure for spells. It was incredibly out of character for me, and not my usual type of story. But you loved it.

Later I told you how I really didn’t consider you as boyfriend material or anything in the beginning. I was serious when I said I was unavailable. When you showed up the second time I was shocked, but it took you nearly a month to get over here. After that you called me or IMd me nearly every day. I kept playing it cool. It kind of scared me, but you were so easy to talk to and so easy to be with. It all felt so natural. But it was the third time that led to the addiction. That’s when we went to the beach. That’s when our guards collapsed. That’s when we both knew that something else was going on.

I am still in a dream-state. Nothing has registered, but I get brief moments when I know what’s real and it levels me, it devastates me. It’s too painful still to let it sink in. I avoid thinking about it. I look at your photos and if I stare long enough it registers. Then I have to look away. Ghosts of you surround me every day. They are with me everywhere I go. Sometimes it’s like hell on earth. Sometimes it’s actually comforting – when I can be alone and no one sees how crazy I am or how I’m coping by living in my delusions. Well, barely coping. I don’t know what is real anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I suppose it is that trigger that causes me to not feel present as I can’t identify with anything. You were part of me and without that part I don’t know who I am. I was never meant to live without you. You were never meant to die and most of the time I can’t fathom that death is an actual occurrence in this world. Most of the time I can’t believe that the world did this to us. I refuse to believe it. I refuse and refuse, but it keeps staring me in the face. Death is standing there tapping his wristwatch. Death is standing there telling me that I lived in an illusion where I neglected to acknowledge that he existed, that he’s always waiting. For some reason your time was up and it destroys me because I was so sure, I was so set, I was so happy, I was so anxious, I was so eager, I was so in love, I was so content, I was so at peace. Dave, one year ago today we met and I didn’t even get to know you for a full year. I learn more about you every day, but you’re not here. I’m learning about a ghost. I’m in love with a ghost. Why did you have to die? Why does death keep looking at me?


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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One Response to One year ago, today

  1. john says:

    i’m sorry that you have lost your love, please be assured that that loss is is felt by many more of us. not so much the loss of dave but the loss of a piece of you. i didn’t get to know him much but i do know you. i miss the sheri that i’ve known for the last 6 yrs. i know that change like that affects us all in different ways, i hid from everyone when my mother died, stayed up north so i wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. it took me time to realize that my friends missed me even en i was there. they were there for me even when i didn’t want them to be. you have a great base of “family” at burnaby we all love and care for you in our own ways. you have been special to me for a long time. i trust my life to you everytime i jump and always have no worries, most times i don’t even think about it. i just wanted you to know that your “family” is strong and there for you and i am happy to be part of that family. take cae and be strong lady

    love ya,

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