lonely


Dave, I’m so lonely. My chest used to feel so buoyant, so blithe and carefree and easy. My heart was soft and serene. But now there’s this jagged stone of sorrow, a stoppage of wretchedness and horror. It’s piercing through me, and yet I can’t see it. And even though it’s so heavy and hard to bear, I somehow feel so empty. How can something so heavy make me feel so without? I miss you. I long for you in every way. I want to tell you about my day. I want to hear your voice. I want you to say those perfect words only you knew how to say. Dave, I really need to talk to you. I hate this reality that’s been forced upon me. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I can’t believe I’m alone again. I can’t believe the world took you. Why? Why? Why did it take you? There is a void Dave. And I can’t breath. I can’t function. I can’t even see straight. You know the summer is still going. The earth is still turning. People are here having fun and jumping and getting into mischief. But not me Dave. You’re not here and I’m aware of it all the time. I hate this. I hate that life has happened this way and I hate that there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless. It’s unbearable. I’m still choking. Why? Why? I just don’t get it. This all feels like someone else’s life. How can this really be my life? It’s not what I want. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work? Aren’t we supposed to work hard and work towards our goals and dreams and then we can achieve them? None of this fits in with that idea. Dave, why aren’t you here?

Babe. I’m so alone. I feel so empty and it makes me cry. I loved being in love with you. I loved how you could make my heart flutter. I loved how when you touched me I could feel it in my toes. I hate that I’m never going to feel any of that again. I hate that thought and I hate how it chokes me. I hate how it pierces through me. It hurts. It hurts like a fire burning through me, like a ball of spikes driving into my feelings and tearing them asunder. What the fuck is destiny trying to prove? Why is it being so cruel? Where do I go from here? Who will love me now?

The summer is still going. It seems it’s almost over. I will always hate this summer. I hate how some of my friends have no clue how I feel. I hate how some of them are too scared to talk to me. I hate how no one knows what to say. But what I know is that I just want someone to fix it and no one can. That’s probably why I hate everything. That and because I feel so alone. I risked so much love for you Dave. I dared and risked and I was vanquished. I came out suffering. And it’s not like you rejected me. It’s not the same kind of pain. You have not hurt my ego. Your death has shattered Sheri. And people say I am lucky to have had such a love, but I don’t feel that way. I feel incredibly unlucky to have had that love stolen from me. I used to feel so lucky to have found you Dave. I really did feel lucky then. I know you did too. But now I wonder why this is happening. I mean, if you were in the right place at the right time, if everything is happening as it should, shouldn’t I have some peace with what has happened? Shouldn’t I be seeing the big picture and be smiling and happy that I got the time I did with you? Because I’m not okay with it Dave. I want more and now I have to deal and cope with the 11 months I got. I want you here and now I choke and heave at the thought of where you could possibly be. What is destiny’s plan for me now? Why did it fuck with me this way? Why did it dangle you in front of me and then take you away? Why do you not get to finish your life here? Why did you get to go on to the next realm already? Why Dave? I want to know why? Why didn’t you live?

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About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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One Response to lonely

  1. Catherine says:

    Sheri,

    I want to talk to you, to help you in some way. Tell me how, tell what I can do for you to help you cope or understand or just anything….I am there, whatever you want or need I am there.

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