plans


I always need to plan things. It’s not that I plan what I’m doing tomorrow or how my day will go or what I will eat or simple things like that. I hate schedules. They make me feel so trapped. What I plan is my future. I usually know what I’m doing six months from now, as in – I know where I’ll be. I have to. My job is seasonal. If I don’t I will be fucked for the winter. Dave knew I had an obsessive nature to planning and we knew it would be a good asset to our relationship. You see, Dave and I had plans. We had plans for September. We had plans for next year. We had flexible plans for as far down the line as four years. I knew how to get us there. I knew that he wanted to live an extraordinary life. I encouraged him. I didn’t really care too much about where we would be or what we were doing as long as we were together. He pretty much felt the same way but I told him to choose things because I had already lived in four countries and had some pretty extraordinary experiences. I felt it was his turn and his time to get some awesome experiences. He was okay with that. He was a dreamer. I wanted to make some of his dreams come true. We had plans and I was attached to them. I was attached to what I thought my future would be and what it would be with him. But now I find myself in a situation. I am without plans. I find myself in an unfamiliar place with no idea where I will be in six months and it kind of scares me. People tell me not to think about it. They say that I don’t have to make a decision just yet. They tell me that it’ll come to me when it comes to me and I need to be patient. I don’t think they understand. I need to know where I’ll be in six months so I can relax. So I can put things in motion to get there. So I know where I’ll be sleeping. I can’t stay in the trailer on the dropzone throughout the winter months. I’d either freeze to death or, well, the water is shut off in the winter, so that puts another kink in that idea. Plus, I wouldn’t be working and I’d be all alone. Dave was supposed to be moving in with me. Dave was supposed to be here. It’s so lonely at the trailer park by myself. If it wasn’t for Margo and Peedee stopping by each day I’d be alone most of the time really. And all i do when I’m alone is think. I think about Dave and our life. But the point really is that I don’t have plans. Do I follow through with the same plans me and Dave had? Do I come up with something new and go for broke? I know that whatever I decide to do I will be putting myself in a situation with very few friends around. That kind of worries me. I’m not sure that’s the best solution, But it seems that’s the way I live my life – well, it’s usually what ends up happening. I have no plans. Maybe I should take this as a sign. Maybe I need to be able to let go and learn to be able to leave and go where I need to be at the drop of a hat. I have to put out to the universe that I’m looking for something. But I’m not accustomed to living precariously. I know it offers some people the feeling of ultimate freedom, but the world is a cruel place. If I don’t have a home and job lined up for the winter I could potentially put myself in a very bad place. Sigh. These are the odd thoughts I get. These are the thoughts that whirl through my head while I try to understand how to go on. More than Dave disappeared that day. My future disappeared and now I have no idea if I should plan another one. It seems it never works when I do anyway.

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About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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