I spent the whole week at PST and it was weird. I have fun there, Dave. I always have fun there. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because it’s new. Maybe it’s because it makes me think of you. I really don’t know. But I also see too many ghosts of you when I’m there. There are ghosts of you everywhere, though. I can’t explain how much I miss you. I try not to think about it too much these days – it creates instant tears. But I find myself thinking about how you died a lot. I know it’s not healthy. I know people say not to dwell on it, but I can’t help it. That too brings instant tears. I know you knew. I know you had time to realize it. You probably thought that you may have been able to walk away. But I don’t know how fast it happened. I don’t know how long you had to think about it. Maybe you knew it was it. Maybe you didn’t. I know I’ll never know, but I wonder a lot about it. I wonder and I miss you. I look around your DZ and you’re not here. I wish I could have had this weekend with you. I try not to think about it. It brings instant tears.
I won’t go in your house anymore. They held the video judging there and in your room. I will never go in that house again. I didn’t do any video judging. I did what I had to do – I moved your stuff, but I will not go back in that house. I ran CP and it went well. You would have been proud, but then again, it all would have been different if you were here. I’m not happy anymore. I don’t make light of things anymore. I get grumpy and I don’t want to participate a lot. I am sick of dealing with lazy needy people. I am sick of dealing with their problems. I have enough of my own. You always gave me extra strength. You always gave me insight and courage to be kind and let things not matter. But you know how I get. You would tell me to chill out. You would tell me to relax. But I can’t Dave. You’re not here and the world no longer makes any sense to me. It used to. It was fun. It’s just not that bright of a place anymore. You made it all make sense.
It always feels like there’s something missing from my life now. Obviously there is. My life does feel empty. But this ache is becoming normal. It’s becoming a piece of everyday. You are not here and I don’t know why. You were perfect Dave. I never felt for one second that I was settling. I thought I won the lottery. I couldn’t believe that I was so lucky. But life had other plans for me it seems. Life had other plans for you. And you are just gone. Poof. Just gone. And people have moved on. They are moving on. They are wondering why I am not keeping up. But it’s different for me. We were all connected to you in different ways. And I can’t disconnect as easily. You are still my boyfriend. You are still my man. I am still your girl. I still want to marry you. I still want a life with you. I haven’t accepted much of this yet. I’m working on it. But I hate it.
I think I took on too much with the ECC. There were lots of triggers this weekend. I got drunk and told off one of those people who I always just tolerate. Ah Dave. You would have been disappointed in me I think. You always had a way of tolerating people, no matter how annoying they are. But you also knew when to walk away. I loved that about you. I cried a lot this weekend, of course. But it got heavy. It got real heavy. But it’s always heavy. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. But I’m not. I’d like to avoid triggers, but then I would have to move, quit my job, leave skydiving and live in the dark. There are triggers everywhere, all around me, everyday.
Can I ask the world if I can have you back? Has it ever worked before? Maybe if I ask. Maybe existence will listen to me. Maybe I’m special enough that death can be reversed just for me. But I am trying not to ask this. I know it won’t happen. And I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t want to wish for it and then have it not come true. I am disappointed enough with life right now. But my God Dave, do I ever want to try.