This is my life and I hate it right now. I hate that my boyfriend died. I hate that I have no control over my feelings. I hate that I am unhappy. I am so unhappy. And unhappy isn’t even the right word. I am forlorn, miserable, broken-hearted, downcast, joyless and depressed. I am sad and despairing. I look around at where I am and it means nothing to me. My cheap shitty trailer means nothing and hardly feels like home anymore. It was to be my and Dave’s home and now it is just a constant reminder of what was going to be and what I don’t have. My things. They’re all just things. They mean nothing. They are crap. Everything is just meaningless. Nothing holds any value to me. I’d give it all away in a second for my joy to return – to feel worthwhile again. I meant something special to Dave – more than I ever knew I could mean to someone other than my mom, and it’s gone. And that emptiness – that eats at my soul.
Where am I? I live on a planet in outer-space. What does that even mean? We can no sooner get into space than we can understand this cycle of life. We are to seize the day, grab hold of some semblance of meaning and then what? I just can’t accept that we go about our lives knowing the end product and are ok with it – and we go about our lives so horridly. I have some fun here. But that’s because I’ve distorted reality enough to ignore the ugliness. We have all done that. And I have seen beauty and wonderful things, but again, that is because I strive to see something poetic and coincidental in this chaos. If it weren’t for coincidence I think I would have given up a long time ago. I need to believe in some kind of magic. I need to. The world just killed my boyfriend. What the fuck is that about? There isn’t any magic in that. It extinguishes my drive to have hope. It taints my understanding of the magic.
I have become cynical yet again of this world and its people. I can’t help it. I have been given an enormous serving of happenstance and I now know that this life is not fair to the living. Where do the non-living go? Where is Dave? And why the hell do I have to do this alone, without him? People say we must go with the flow – like we have any choice? How can we fight this? I’m sure I can stay in denial and create a wonderful fantasy world where Dave still talks to me and holds me, but that won’t pay the bills – though it would be better than this world now. I can see parts of my future already. I’m still unhappy. And I’m scared. And I don’t have a care in the world about death. I really don’t. Fuck death. It can come and get me whenever it wants. It’s already ruined so much of my life and my dreams. I keep having to change and make allowances for it. So fuck death. I don’t give a shit about it anymore. Fuck you death.
This life is long. It is not short like people say. And I am thankful that mine is hopefully half over, if not more. This place and this life is difficult and easy. It’s hard to accept but easy to survive, at least where I live. For some people it’s easy to accept and hard to survive. And I know people say that we should concentrate on what we do have, rather than what we don’t have, but honestly – Dave was the most important thing I had. As soon as I knew I was in love with Dave, I knew what I wanted in this life for the rest of my time here, and that was Dave. And now? How does one change such things in their heart and mind? How do I live any kind of life knowing that it’s not the life I want? To simply just learn to want something else? To simply just learn to love someone else? I realize that we don’t always get what we want. But I can’t just get over it and I never will get over it. I will always long for that day that I get to see and talk to Dave again. And maybe, if I live another 20 years, I may be at peace with it, I may get there, but I really hope I don’t have to live that long without him. And I know this is all just crazy talk, but fuck it. It’s how I feel now. And I feel lost and empty without him.