What I would give to have Dave back. I can’t even begin down that road. I know it won’t change anything. I know he can’t come back. I know I will never see him on this plane again. That I won’t touch him, that he won’t touch me. That I’ll never kiss him or hold him, or be privy to his thoughts ever again. I get these things. But I don’t feel them in my bones yet, and I don’t like them one bit. I miss him incredibly. I’m told that I’ll always miss him. But what I would give to be with him still. What I would give to be with him.
People keep telling me I’m strong. This is something I have come to know in my life. I am strong-willed. I have a strong personality. But I am no longer strong in my beliefs. My faith has been rocked, this I know. But no matter how strong I am or anyone is, I cannot ignore how much it kills me every day that I don’t get to have a life with him. I know that I can want and want and want, and I know it still won’t change the outcome. But I’m stuck in that part of this process right now. I’m stuck because I just can’t breathe and I just can’t believe that this has happened to me. I know I know, it’s selfish. Death happened to Dave, but I don’t think Dave cares right now. He’s on a new journey and I’m sure he is embracing it with all his might. But I can’t help but feel that death happens to those left to live. I am the one suffering without him in this unbearable shit-hole of a planet. All the risk Dave took and I have taken in our lives was to cope with this existence whilst we’re here. And now Dave has already gotten his pass to the next stage and I am left behind wondering how I will cope without him – and I feel so alone.
I am so very alone these days – surrounded by people yet so alone. I feel cut off from my life force. And yet in some ways I feel as though I have a new reason to live. It’s bizarre. Dave had such a passion for life. If a volunteer was required for some stunt, he was the moron running in to do it. And he always knew the consequences, but he didn’t care – at least he could say he got hurt being a part of something rather than being a spectator. His passion for new experiences and life amazes me. I really love that about him. But fuck. I’m so alone without him. I can love him all I want, and I can connect and feel the past and the passion all I want, but what I would give to hear him answer a question or do something new again. What I would give for him to think again, to be able to watch him in thought and see his eyes light up. What I would give to be with him. I feel as though I need to live for Dave. Not because of him, not in his place, but because he showed me a different way to live. I encouraged him to quit his job. I encouraged him to travel and live the life he wanted to. But he lived it way better than I ever have. And while I know it’s because of his passion that he could, I also know that it’s his passion that led to his death. But he lived. He really lived and he was really happy. He was in the most amazing place of his life. He was on the best journey he’d ever been on, only to be interrupted by the journey we must all go on. Fuck. I miss him. I don’t know if I can find that passion in me, but I’ll try to keep my heart open to it. Maybe this mysterious world will work in a wonderful way for me after being so cruel. Maybe.
What I would give though.