I feel weird today. I felt weird yesterday too. I’m processing some new information and I think it has me back in my head negotiating some treaty with my feelings for Dave and where to put them now that he’s gone. It’s hi-jacking a lot of my reasoning skills and it seems much of my feelings for Dave have been put in stasis. It’s weird.
It’s so much easier when someone is your ex, at least in the coping aspect. With an ex I can just get grumpy and whiney and bitch about how much of a douche they are and how they didn’t treat me well. I can make up any number of lies to deal with the injustice of being dumped. With an ex I can jump into bed with any random and try to deal with my feelings by getting some kind of love back, even if it’s superficial and comes from the wrong place. With an ex I can move on and convince myself that I’m better off without them and that they don’t know what they’re missing. Of course, this is all after I go through the grief of losing the relationship and realizing I just wasn’t good enough for that person. It would be easier. But with Dave and his death, this is not the same. He’s not my ex. We never broke up. He wasn’t a douche. I was always good enough, if not the best. And he was extraordinarily wonderful. There’s no reasoning. But I’ve never had to do any of this before, so I’m being patient as I try and figure this out.
I feel weird because the other day I was mad at him. I was mad at him for dying from such a preventable accident. I was mad at him for not being smart enough to have come up with a better solution. I was feeling justified that he may not have been good enough for me if he couldn’t have figured it out. What the hell is wrong with me? I am still processing and that kind of thinking is just taking the easy way out. It’s not right. It’s not how I really feel. I think I’m just exhausted from crying all the time and I think I’m getting used to this new reality where I don’t get to talk to him anymore. I’m used to him being absent. I talked to him every single day. He was the highlight of my day. He was my reason for waking up in the morning and my reason for getting things done. I can’t take the easy way out of this by just getting mad at him and letting those feelings consume my memories. But I’m feeling weird. Something is different in my head. And I know I don’t feel at all like myself. I don’t recognize myself without Dave. But I’m learning to get through my day without him. I’m learning to live without him. I’m learning to not think about him all the time. Memories play back and I wonder who that girl is with Dave. I wonder who that guy is in Dave’s body. Part of me doesn’t recognize him right now. Not even in my most intimate of memories. It’s like the connection is gone. But I have to think that maybe I’m just hiding it now while I process this new information. Maybe that’s the weird feeling – the disconnection.
I really do miss him, but a survival part of me has taken over my thoughts to get through this. I really hope it goes away soon. I like the old Sheri – the Sheri I was with Dave. Dave made me a better version of myself. And I have to think I helped make him a better version of himself. I really wish he were here today. Everything would be so much different. And that happiness I had with him, that Sheri I was with him – that would all be real again. But sometimes now, that all feels like a dream that happened long ago.