the terms of now

Yesterday I felt weird. Today I feel lonely and sad. And a little too real. I think at times that the swarm in my head is subsiding, but I’m really not sure. I keep cluing into the present more often. I’m normal at moments. Normally Sheri. But then I remember Dave. I remember June 10th, and the tidal wave hits me, but I’m stronger against its impact these days – at least most days anyway.

I don’t know what has really been going through my head for the past two months, but I know today I am feeling far more real than I’m used to. I am realizing how important he was/is in my life and how much I miss my best friend. I think a lot of it has been too difficult to think about, so I’ve had to turn him into someone else just so I didn’t go completely insane. But I feel it now. Today I feel it and today I’m aware a lot that he’s missing.

He knew me so intimately and so well. He always knew what I needed. He could touch my heart and open my mind. He could listen and speak his mind. He was at ease around me and yet so worked up. He would smile at me and hold me. He would make my day and bring me coffee. I knew Dave so well. And I miss him. I miss his influence and impact on my life. My skinny fat boy. My lover. My best friend. My confidante. My equal. My opposite. My match. I miss his opinions. I miss his words. I miss his compassion. I miss his presence. I miss how at ease I felt around him. I miss how he got me worked up. I miss his passion. I miss his enthusiasm. I miss his desire. I hate that he is gone and I will never have his impact on my life again. And that he was my boyfriend, my lover, my future, my best friend – I still can’t really go there in my head yet. That still hurts too much. It shuts my brain down the moment I start going there and I disappear into some other realm of thought. It really does fuck with my head.

The fact that we talked about how hard the ground is. That we spoke about staying safe – really staying safe and the possibility of death. That he actually fucking died in this damned sport. It just fucks with my head. I can’t really explain it. It’s fucky. It consumes me and yet I still can’t grasp it for the life of me. Your best friends aren’t supposed to just die on you. Your lover is supposed to come home from his trip.

Everyday I become more aware of his absence and more aware of how big a part he played in my life. Everyday that the swarm subsides more I realize that there is a huge part of me missing and a huge part of my life gone. Even when I was waiting for him to come home I had told him that something was missing from my life – him. And now – that void is there. My heart is broken knowing that we had the sublime dream because we found our match in each other. God how we looked forward to our future. We both thought it was just going to get better and better. But I still can’t grasp the finality of his death. And how it’s just getting worse and worse. It’s so painful to think of. And again I just shut off. But I had to exist without him for so long, only getting phone calls and messages – but at least I got those everyday. And it hurts to not get them any more. I’m so aware of it. It hurts to not have the attention. It hurts that no one cares for me anymore like he did. He knew me so well. I knew him so well. And now, though I know he will always remain young, I wish I could still see him grow old. It will always be the moment that fucked with my sense of reality.

Sometimes the simplicity of life and death is easy to stomach and easy to grasp. Like we expect pets to die and we know our grand parents will most likely beat us there. Other times, though, it just feels like a punishment. I know it’s a fact of life, but Dave made my life, so I get confused as to why he could actually have died when he meant everything to me. I miss his sway and effect on everything around him. His aura. His presence. I miss the world that existed when Dave was a living breathing part of it. And I hate, absolutely hate having to talk about him in the past tense.


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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One Response to the terms of now

  1. flyinchicken says:

    He will ALWAYS be a part of you, so the past tense isn’t needed. It’s the learning to take joy in that, that is the fucking hard part!

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