I know what bliss feels like. It’s very different than this, but I wouldn’t trade knowing that feeling for anything. My time with Dave was wonderful. I am truly trying to remember all of it. It’s just that there’s such a vast difference between then and now. We were standing on a mountain, hand in hand, with the whole world stretched out before us. It was us against the world. We were giddy and excited about the range of possibilities and we couldn’t wait to get started. Five more days. That was all. But then things don’t always work out how we want them to. We can’t plan everything. And despite all that has happened, I never did plan for Dave to enter my life. He was the most amazing fluke I ever encountered. Especially at a time when I was so down about life. I am back in a deeper canyon than that place I was in before he came into my world. I am in a surreal amount of agony and while it all has to do with the day I met Dave, I wouldn’t trade any of it – not one single bit.
When I finally surrendered to the feelings Dave ignited in me, my world became a brighter more wonderful place. Never in my whole life did I actually believe that I would ever meet a man who could make me feel that way. Actually, I never thought I’d meet anyone. Dave and I marveled at how we affected each other. It was bewildering. It still bewilders me that a man could do such things to my head and my senses. I tingled around him. I felt at peace around him. I connected with another human being on such a level that I actually full-heartedly gave into that premise of true love – the chemistry, sync and match. I mean, there’s no feeling so perfectly amazing as being in love. My world finally felt like it was coming together. I knew it would always adjust and change. But knowing Dave actually existed, knowing there was a man out there who got me, like really got me, who loved me just the way I am, who found me to be awesome and beautiful, who still felt the tingle in his chest 11 months after we met, as I did – and who could convince me of all this with just a look – that only made me believe in love more. Love is the ultimate happiness. It gives you happy cheeks. It softens your eyes. It makes you patient and calm. It mutes your judgement.
I know I got the shit end of the stick here. But people keep telling me that I need to look at the bright side. And I do. I promise I do. I wouldn’t give any of my memories up. I mean, Dave and I found each other. We actually found each other and even though it was brief, even though we spent so much of it apart, the fact that we learned about each other’s existence and embraced each other’s existence with everything we had, that is the essence of why I have to believe that dreams come true and that love is the point in this existence. Never in a million years did I think a man like him could be real. And there he was, sitting at a picnic table six feet from my trailer door. That’s how we met. So, I do look at the positive. I do. And while I am still devastated that he is gone, and I probably will always be devastated that we never got to explore a life together, I know that what I felt and had with Dave was more than a lot of people will ever find or ever let themselves have. And I know it’s out there. I touched the gold, and people tell me that makes me lucky – not just because I experienced more than what some people ever have the chance to, but because now I know that it exists. And I’ll be able to recognize it if it ever comes my way again.
I don’t think I will ever be able to replace Dave, and to be fair, I don’t care if I stay single for the rest of my life. He is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me and I’m grateful that I got to be a part of his life. I’m happy that he loved me and wanted to marry me and wanted to have a life with me. When I say I miss Dave, I know people don’t understand how my whole being craves him. But that’s the thing about this man I will always love. He left a mark on me that still exists. When I think of him, when I picture him, when I hear him or fantasize about him, that love comes surging right through me, filling me up. The only problem is it makes me crave the real thing. And then that’s when the truth settles right back in and I cry. Hopefully one day I’ll smile.