life a.d.

I don’t think I live my life well. I know I don’t live it like Dave did, anyway. Not even close. I think I did once upon a time. Perhaps it was when I was younger and less daunted by the world and length of time here that lay before me. But I think the way I lived my life drained me. I remember believing there was plenty of time to sleep when we are dead, but one day I wondered if that was true. What if we only get to sleep whilst we’re here in these bodies, and in death we get no such experiences? Since that time I think I lost a lot of zest for life. Or it could’ve been when I realized how hard I always tried to do well, live well and do well by people, but so many other people just take advantage of people like that. I stopped caring I think. I saw little reason in trying anymore. I think I felt like I was doing it wrong and have yet to have come up with a better solution. Maybe. I’m not entirely sure. Life has held very little joy for me for many years – until I met Dave anyway. There has been little joy since Dave died that day. And now – I just don’t think I’ve been living life very well. Maybe Dave had the solution. Because how I think I should be living now makes a hell of a lot more sense to living for now, rather than to live forever. I really don’t want to live forever. Neither did Dave.

Sometimes, in a morbid kind of way, I am jealous that Dave has got to move on to the next step. I can’t explain. I know it’s something we all have to do eventually, but he doesn’t have to stay here and live through this loss. I can’t explain. I want him back here. He’s never coming back here. The only way I could ever see him again is through my death, but there’s a possibility that’s not true. But I can’t envision a future without him. I can’t see any kind of life without him. Some may say I have a clean slate. But I don’t. I have an erased slate. It’s still all messed up from the impact of Dave. What lays before me is a life without Dave – a life after Dave. I know I need to live life better than I have been. I know I need to hold him in my sights always. I know I can never forget about him. I know I will always long for him. But in some way I know I will always wish I am with him, no matter where that may be. And everyday I will be keeping more and more of him with me in my heart, soul, body, spirit, thoughts and existence. At least while I remain here as Sheri. Every day is one more day closer to Dave – in every sense of that truth.

Dave was a special man. I can’t explain. He and I fit together perfectly. I can’t understand for the life of me why I don’t get to have my man. I can’t think about him too often either – it distracts me from starting to live life the way he inspired me to. I don’t let myself feel him with the full intensity I used to. I can, but I don’t. It destroys me. But I hope for the day that it doesn’t destroy – for the day it makes me more like myself – more like the person Dave brought out of me. Until then, I need to figure out how to live without him and how to live well without him. I need to figure out a life we can both be proud of. I need to understand that life Dave taught me to live in every truth of the sense. For Dave is more than just a memory – he is a truth, even if he only remains to exist in me. But I know he exists in many of us. We love you Dave.


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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