repeating myself


There is so much I didn’t know about Dave.  I really didn’t know a lot about his past. But I loved him and I loved everything I knew about him. I learn more about him all the time, which is unfortunate because he’s no longer here and I’m still in love with a ghost.

I don’t understand death. I really don’t. I mean, we all get it, we know everyone dies, but I don’t understand why it can be so random and why our bodies were made so fragile that it’s possible to make them so unlivable. I know I’m repeating myself. I know I’ve voiced these things before, but I am still struggling to accept Dave’s death. And I forget that it hasn’t even been three months yet. That just over three months ago I saw him, felt him, held him – committed whole-heartedly to a life with him. I was so prepared for him to come home. I am so unprepared to live the rest of my life without him. It’s not at all what I want. I still don’t understand why fate had us meet and then he died so shortly afterward. I got so little time with him. That pisses me off too. I have so many and yet so few memories from the happiest days of my life. And now – these are the worst days. I was humming today and I remembered how Dave used to find that so adorable about me. It was a painful memory, and yet I found myself smiling. He loved me until the day he died. I never thought I’d ever have to say that about him.

Coping with losing Dave is the most horrible experience I have ever encountered. My thoughts are disorganized, my senses are acute and yet unwelcome, my heart is congested and tight, and I’m not sure what life means to me at all anymore. I ache for him and I have the hardest time understanding an existence without him. I’m having the hardest time committing to a life without him. The thing is, when I found him, when we found each other, we were both so excited because we knew what we had was something truly extraordinary. That we aren’t allowed to have a life together frustrates and depresses me. I never thought I would ever have been so lucky to meet a man who did such exceptional things to me. I never thought I would ever be so unlucky to have fallen in love and then have that opportunity and intimacy disappear so suddenly, and without my choice. I know I’m repeating myself. I’m still trying to get this to sink in.

I don’t understand why Dave’s time was up.  I am hurt that his fate was such that he had to die that day, that he was happy to be coming home to his loved ones, that he was excited to continue our life together, that I have to go on without him. I am confused by life’s obscurity. I hate this ache inside of me. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss a person – me – the person who can always move on from anything. But everyday I wake up and I relive all of it.

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About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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