With each stride the earth below my feet rasps inaudibly, lamenting my weight upon its gritty surface. My chest keeps rising, filling itself with the crisp country air – summer is coming. The trees slide by in a blurry wall of brown and green. They are noisy as the wind whips them around, but even the noise is blurry. It’s comforting. The sun is setting and the light is becoming horizontal, lighting up the underbelly of the world, lengthening the shadows. I love this light. It’s like a wall of senses surrounds me, enclosing me into a private little world only I will ever experience. But it will be dark soon.
My mind. It’s not paying attention today, and I haven’t run in months, not since before Dave died. My load was lighter then. I’m sure the ground wouldn’t notice. It has nothing to do with my weight, just the weight of the world. And today I’m thousands of miles away in another time wondering why. Why would someone do such a thing? Why would someone take their own life? Why would someone induce this suffering?
I have survived nearly three months with a broken heart. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I have thought numerous times about refusing to go through it. But I have little choice. I either go through it, or I die. I have wished for death though, and it hasn’t happened. Just a bolt of lightning or a wayward comet? I have cried myself to sleep and I have been so confused that I wasn’t even sure what is real anymore. I’m still not sure. I have suffered with every breath, and I still hurt. I will always hurt. Everything is still blurry. My heart is still broken – and now I can feel others’ hearts breaking. And I weep.
To learn about this. So close. So tragic. So avoidable. It makes me want to scream and ask the universe why? Why in every single way. I never asked for much after Dave died. I knew I couldn’t change anything, but this? It’s too much to bear. I think of his loved ones. I think of their hearts. Accidental death is horrid enough, but to know someone just wanted to leave here that bad – I wonder if a heart can endure that. But I’ve been finding that human hearts are capable of extraordinary things, on the good and that other side.
I still remember the blur. I still remember the pain. It’s all in my head like a bad movie – locked away in a place I dread to access. And now it has escaped. And I’m back there at moments, that day, that week, this life. There are true horrors in this world, but we never realize how lucky we are when they elude us. It’s when we can’t elude the darkness of this world that luck no longer becomes a consideration. The light and dark have always co-existed. We forget that. We ignore that – until the light falls in such a way that we can’t ignore the shadows any longer – like when the sun is at its lowest and we know – darkness is coming.