I’m sitting on the step of my trailer talking with Margo about life and how it feels to miss Dave – and this profound truth comes swimming into my head like an old memory from camp days when I was a kid. There was nothing camp-ish about it. I wasn’t a kid in the memory, it was just so innocent and strong – the memory that is, like a new experience you get when you’re young and you remember for the rest of your life. The realization that came along with it felt as though I had always known it, somewhere deep in my bones, where the fates had stored it, knowing it would flip my world on end when it needed be done. It stilled my brain. It pulled me out of the whirlwind for mere moments, but those moments were intense and out of this world. I was clear.
I was telling her that people are the point to life. We all make it so complicated all the time, but it’s really quite simple. The connections we share with people help us to not feel so alone in this big mysterious existence. When we can connect with someone we feel understood and worthwhile – like we have figured out at least something – that we are living okay – that someone else in this world may share some of our crazy thoughts. When we connect with someone a switch flips in our mind and suddenly we are clear. The connection I had with Dave was out of this world – I was always clear, and now that he’s gone I am lost. I know I am not alone, but I feel so alone in comparison. And it’s not that it should matter, because I was so alone before I met him, but we were connected – in the grand scheme of this life we found each other by some fluke and we knew then that we were destined to meet. What kills me is that he has left and I don’t understand why it has to be that way.
Feeling clear yesterday was amazing. I haven’t felt that clear in months, even though it only lasted for a minute. But it made me realize how much I really do miss Dave. I’ve been crying a lot again. I was thinking it was just residual grief, but I think it’s because I am feeling more like myself and I’m realizing more how much of an impact Dave’s death has had on my life. Realizations are beginning to sink in and I’m beginning to understand what I will always carry with me – what I must always live with. It makes me sad that I must live with such travesty. It makes me sad that I must endure this. It makes me sad that the one person who would understand and make this more bearable is the cause of all this. I miss Dave. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss anyone. I miss being clear. I miss his touch. There is so much I want to ask him. And now it just all has to wait.