On Monday I am driving to California with a friend. I’ll be gone for two weeks, and while it’ll probably be the longest two weeks of my life, it may most certainly be among the most challenging. I will be visiting San Diego.
Lately I’ve been feeling like this trip is something I just have to do. And for so many reasons I will not even get excited or hopeful or expectant of what will occur on this journey. Everyday will be a new day. Everyday I will need to be open to the world and take it all as it comes. If I can’t do that – well, I think I may as well just admit I’m going into a shit storm.
I’ve been wondering lately if I’m depressed. I’m not sure if I am or if it’s unnatural for someone to be depressed who has just lost the love of their life. I feel hopeless at times and empty and I often wonder why me? I miss Dave so much. And I hate that this is my lot in life. There is very little joy for me at times. Sometimes I’m just glad the day is over. Sometimes I wish the day was already over. But I get through the day. Sometimes that’s all I can do.
I suppose depression is one of the stages of grief. So in a way, I guess I’m moving through my grief – either that or I’m bat-shit-crazy. I don’t like this emptiness and sadness that seems to be creeping into me. It seemed that I finally just emerged from a coma and started to smile occasionally again and then – wham -overwhelming sadness which I feel in such a different way then before. Before I felt I was in a tornado and I would cry and have no control over anything I felt or saw or thought. But now, the tornado is gone. I can see the world around me. I can think about stuff. But the sadness – it erupts through me without my control, but I can think about it. I can see the effect it’s having on my life.
I know I’m gonna hike that hill. I know I’m gonna probably sit on the ground and cry. And I know that I will most likely become overwhelmed with the loss of Dave. I feel so empty without him in my life. I long for him in every way, everyday. The way I miss him – how I feel when I miss him – is more real and deep within me now and it hurts in places I can identify.
I wish I could get over this. But I wish with all my being these days that Dave never died. I wish so much that he was here still. I am angry with life for this raw deal. I am angry that I have to go through this. I am angry that I found the man who stirred the depths of my soul and he had to do a stupid thing and get himself killed, and now I have to live the rest of my life without him. Dammit Dave! This has totally fucked up my life.
So to Cali I go.