motions


Most of the time I feel like I’m still going through the motions of living. I know I’m not happy right now, but I catch myself smiling and I wonder if it’s just out of habit. I catch myself making wise-cracks and laughing at the silliness of life, but I wonder too if that’s just me trying to stay busy so I don’t think about how miserable I really am. I miss Dave. I miss him in my life. I keep accomplishing things and doing things and I keep wanting to tell him all about them and then I realize he’s not here and I can’t do that – and then I remember that I’m alone. Finally – I had finally found someone who loved me for all my weirdness, and I finally let myself accept that and have happiness in that – and then the one thing I feared more than anything in life – falling in love with someone and having them die on me – it happened. I don’t know what to think about it still. I am still stuck on the horrible reality that comes with this messed up existence. What good is it to have fun and enjoy the idiosyncrasies of life without the one I love? Without Dave? Why did the universe kill him? Why did he screw up that day? Why did I have to meet him just to have my heart so unbelievably broken? It’s not fair. None of it is fair and it’s really beginning to piss me off. I still cry. I cry at the thought of Dave. I cry for what I’ve lost and what I will never have. But I also cry for him – and sometimes I don’t understand why I do that. I want to know how me, or anyone, can get happy again after experiencing this. How do I come to terms with a life that has denied me love and happiness? I had done so well before Dave. I had ploughed through the crap of life – still unhappy – but I trudged along and tried to make some kind of life for me here on this planet in this body in the existence. And then I met Dave and suddenly the whole of existence made sense to me. But what the fuck? Then he dies? How do I accept the shit of life after I had the best life has to offer? Do I live in the past, clinging to a knowledge and memory of what glories I found once upon a time – and then I can turn into one of those old ladies that people feel sorry for because she mutters under her breath about yester-years and who she once was? Or do I just allow myself to be miserable and accept that maybe there is nothing I can do to re-discover happiness in this world? Or do I stay bright-eyed and eager to dive into every new adventure that comes my way full-well knowing that should it take a turn for the worse that I will once again have to strive to survive with a broken heart? How many times can a person have their heart broken before it stops working right? I really miss Dave. I miss the world that existed when he was alive. I don’t like this world without him. It’s darker. I cry too much. And there’s no one here who can hold me and make me feel that deepest of truest loves I felt with him. He was the most wonderful man I had ever met. The world sucks even more now without him. I know I had happiness. I know I had love. So I got them. But honestly – is that all I get?

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About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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5 Responses to motions

  1. Jade says:

    you do your best to stay bright-eyed and eager. You be realistic. You don’t have to be happy all the time. You don’t have to forget, and you don’t have to stop grieving. But you have to live life for you. And you have to allow the memories to be memories and continue to live in the present. Something beautiful and wonderful was taken from you and you had your heart broken. I’m not going to say that we all go through what you have because we don’t. But everyone has suffered in some way. Everyone has experienced pain, hopelessness, depression, doubt.. Everyone has had something horrible and unfair happen to them or had something taken away. Life is at times a joy and a burden. Confusing, frustrating and other times wonderful. We can’t find answers for why horrible things happen to us but you can’t let them control you. Eventually you learn that your a stronger person and that each time you learn to grow and adapt to hardships because of it. Though by no means to I wish to belittle your situation. What you’re going through is very hard and you have every right to deal with it as you see fit.

    However, I learned something recently called somatic experiencing. That well taught me in connection with massage therapy (thats what I do) I think it might still help. When Someone goes through a traumatic event and they feel that they were unprepared, didn’t have warning and weren’t able to respond, process or react to the situation.. they can’t release the negative energy/emotions that result from it. It gets physically retained in the body sometimes for years. They can tell the story over and over again, re-live the experience and get upset each time but it never seems to get better. And behaviorally they alternate btwn being depressed, spaced out, vacant etc and being overstimulated, upset, angry, having outbursts being in fight or flight mode so to speak. These opposite sides refer to the two different nervous systems in our body. Since they say that that energy remains contained in our nervous system. Either our sympathetic ie the fight or flight is activated or the parasympathetic which creates a sense of calm but at extreme also depression, vacant, lack of awarness etc. Well normally it is said that the body regulates btwn these two. When A traumatic event is experienced the body stops being able to maintain a norm and begins to erratically fluctuate btwn these highs and lows of emotion and behavior.

    The article was describing coping mechanism for clients who’ve been in Motor vehicle accidents but I think the premise still might have some value for you. The article begins to describe a client who after having been in the accident spent years not being able to heal mentally/emotionally or physically. They were never able to let go. They have tried talking to psychotherapists, seeing various physical therapists but nothing ever seemed to help. Then they go to see a massage therapist and what the massage therapist does is teach them how to create a safe supportive mental environment for them. The client would begin to tell the story and clearly get worked up, initiating their sympathetic nervous system which creates negative over-stimulation. When that happened the therapist would interrupt them and shift the topic and the clients thinking. They would ask them things like before and after the accident when was the first time you felt safe? Think of a time you felt loved/supported/cared about.. and they have the client not only imagine that event and/or person in their mind but focus on what they felt in their body at that time. warmth, security, relaxation, a softening etc.. whatever it is.. they focus on what it was and not the upsetting story. And they are encouraged to create a number of these situations in their head that can act as a safety zone, a haven etc for when they begin to become upset. Then slowly they have them go through the story again stopping them each time it gets upsetting and focusing on their “oasis” so to speak. The other thing they have them do is stop the traumatic event right before it happens. So in their case stop the car before it was about to hit them. And ask them to just look at it, relax and imagine what they would have wanted to do had they had all the time in the world to react to it. I know this example isn’t relevant to your situation but I figured if you changed the subject it could be.

    When you think about Dave and you get upset or begin thinking about the negative or bad things that happened and how it upset you, stop. start to create that oasis of resources in your head. Think of a time you felt safe before and after it happened. Experience that, and feel what it was in your body when you were in that moment. Think about a positive time you had with him and remember how it felt. Remember a time you felt loved etc. And of course include resources that aren’t just about Dave. Creating one’s that are outside of him would also be beneficial. But also just as important. Think about what you would have done had you had warning and enough, time to react to the accident, to the news. And they often say to go through multiple scenarios for this one, once again always focusing on what reactions it would have in your body if you were able to do it your way. How it would have made you feel better in some way. Whether that be seeing him one more time, saying goodbye, preventing him from going etc..

    I hope I haven’t upset you by imparting this suggestion. And by no means do you have to take it. I really want to help and I know your still dealing with alot and having trouble with your day to day. Its just something i was taught about recently and it seemed like it had very positive affects on clients it had been used on. I certainly don’t wish to tell you what to do or how to go about things. But i thought if it could help it was worth suggesting. I’ll send you the article in your inbox for reference, if you decide you’d like to read it yourself.

    sincerely

    Jade

  2. Duska Dragosavac says:

    I do not even know how I got to this webpage… but, from my experience, everything happens for the reason… People say “what does not kill you makes you stronger” – from that perspective you must be a very strong person.

    The fear that you had, to have someone who will love you for who you really are and lose them is the same one I have. I guess, I am lucky enough that my “better half” is still around – regardless of that fear lives in me. The one thing you do not want to happen usually happens.

    My fear of loss came about 4 years ago when I lost my parents in one day…. more like one second… from nowhere… I could of die that day (physically) and I did… at least part of me, at least the part that lives in fear now. At that point I realized that what happened was so hard on me but that if I lost “love of my life”, man that I chose and who loves me for who I am, it would heart even more… Sound weird, it is hard to explain but that is what I felt. It did not lessen the pain I felt or will feel for the rest of my life.

    In life, we can choose to live or survive… I analyzed things up and down, left and right and came to a conclusion that if I ever ended up in your shoes I would still LIVE because there is a reason why I am still here.

    As I said, I just stumbled upon this page and it created a reaction in me and I just felt like I should leave some of my thoughts here…

    Chin up…

    Sincerely,

    DD

    • humanbeen says:

      It’s interesting that you did find this page as I did not put any tags on that last post. I want to thank you for your insight though. This loss has been the hardest one for me to cope with. The pain still remains and it’s often hard to know what to do because I spend so much time coping with the pain. But perhaps you are right that it is better to live than to just exist. My Dave died living. Maybe that was his last gift to us all, and to himself.

  3. Aja Niemann says:

    Love you sister! I am so grateful for the words you share. I am feeling this way too. I hope and pray for the day that I can turn those tears into something great! I fear love and loss and everything you do. Please know that you are not alone. There’s power in numbers. Let’s stick together! ❤

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