Most of the time I feel like I’m still going through the motions of living. I know I’m not happy right now, but I catch myself smiling and I wonder if it’s just out of habit. I catch myself making wise-cracks and laughing at the silliness of life, but I wonder too if that’s just me trying to stay busy so I don’t think about how miserable I really am. I miss Dave. I miss him in my life. I keep accomplishing things and doing things and I keep wanting to tell him all about them and then I realize he’s not here and I can’t do that – and then I remember that I’m alone. Finally – I had finally found someone who loved me for all my weirdness, and I finally let myself accept that and have happiness in that – and then the one thing I feared more than anything in life – falling in love with someone and having them die on me – it happened. I don’t know what to think about it still. I am still stuck on the horrible reality that comes with this messed up existence. What good is it to have fun and enjoy the idiosyncrasies of life without the one I love? Without Dave? Why did the universe kill him? Why did he screw up that day? Why did I have to meet him just to have my heart so unbelievably broken? It’s not fair. None of it is fair and it’s really beginning to piss me off. I still cry. I cry at the thought of Dave. I cry for what I’ve lost and what I will never have. But I also cry for him – and sometimes I don’t understand why I do that. I want to know how me, or anyone, can get happy again after experiencing this. How do I come to terms with a life that has denied me love and happiness? I had done so well before Dave. I had ploughed through the crap of life – still unhappy – but I trudged along and tried to make some kind of life for me here on this planet in this body in the existence. And then I met Dave and suddenly the whole of existence made sense to me. But what the fuck? Then he dies? How do I accept the shit of life after I had the best life has to offer? Do I live in the past, clinging to a knowledge and memory of what glories I found once upon a time – and then I can turn into one of those old ladies that people feel sorry for because she mutters under her breath about yester-years and who she once was? Or do I just allow myself to be miserable and accept that maybe there is nothing I can do to re-discover happiness in this world? Or do I stay bright-eyed and eager to dive into every new adventure that comes my way full-well knowing that should it take a turn for the worse that I will once again have to strive to survive with a broken heart? How many times can a person have their heart broken before it stops working right? I really miss Dave. I miss the world that existed when he was alive. I don’t like this world without him. It’s darker. I cry too much. And there’s no one here who can hold me and make me feel that deepest of truest loves I felt with him. He was the most wonderful man I had ever met. The world sucks even more now without him. I know I had happiness. I know I had love. So I got them. But honestly – is that all I get?