four months

I’m standing on a precipice. But each way I look to journey are lives I can only settle for. I must choose, and it’s this choice that worries me and saddens me. But I must choose and it weighs heavy on my heart. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. There was a hope and a dream – I had that fluttery feeling of anticipation deep in the gut of my soul. That feeling has died and contempt lingers close to my nonchalance for life these days. I’m having a hard time letting go of the past. I’m having an even harder time looking forward to the future. But again I realize that I have no choice. It is not in me to give up. It is not in me to be consumed by darkness – but it worries me. At times I feel its breath against me, nudging me – urging me to submit to its chaotic fates. But I feel the pulse of life around me and I know that darkness is not to be my fate. Constantly I stand at the edge. I am a jumper, but I cannot jump. I look behind me at the life I had and I’m not yet willing to go away from it. I doubt I will ever be. But jumping will not clear the mess. It will not still my mind. And it will not remove the inkling in my heart that I can only settle for a life – I can only accept that life can never again be what it once was.

A voice often interrupts me. It tells me that I am right. Life can never be what it once was. But that doesn’t mean it will be worse. It doesn’t mean it will be better, but there’s always the possibility that it will be something else. But on the precipice I wonder about the obstacles before me. About the leap of faith I must make. I do not understand how to survive in the present and keep the past with me. I do not understand how to do it well, or do it with enthusiasm, or do it with grace and charm and a spirit of willingness. Life goes on with or without me. With or without you, life goes on. But now it is my life that must go on and yet I can’t focus on my intent because all I think about is what is missing.

I do not care where I go. I do not care what is beyond this precipice. It is what I am leaving that unnerves me. I want to take it with me. I want to take it all with me and still live. But I’m not an expert jumper. I’m not sure I can handle this leap and come out unscathed. If I can take it with me – maybe I wouldn’t be settling after all.


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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