Everyday is different, but there is still that damn constant that consistently fucks up my rationale. It’s like a critical part of my thinking process is always flawed, like there’s a dirty spot on a window and it mars the vista in front of me. I can’t for the life of me get rid of this cloud over my head. And then today I realize – I have been trying so hard to get over this – but I’m just not over him. And I need to stop forcing myself to forget about it and get over him.
The ocean is two blocks away. I can smell it. I see rows and rows of palm trees everyday, even outside my front door. And while the sunshine and all these things make me smile often, it’s not the smile of a deeply satisfied human being. Why is Dave dead? I can’t stop thinking it. I sound like a broken record. Even I’m getting sick of my own thoughts, but then I realize why. Most feelings and thoughts are fleeting. We laugh at a funny joke, we cry during a sad movie, we get ticked at rude behaviour, we may even hold a grudge, for just a bit. But it’s when people get consumed by emotion or an idea that we call them crazy, fanatical, obsessed, single-minded. I am none of these, but this has not been fleeting.
I wish I had the magic answer. I wish there was a switch I could flip and make all this heartache and sadness within me just go away. I wish I could have my old life back, my old certainty about life, my old happiness, my old carefree thoughts on living. It’s disturbing how much I lost. It’s frustrating that it has changed so much in me and how I see and think about life. But it hasn’t changed how much I love him. It hasn’t changed how happy I am that I met him. That he fell in love with me. That we had finally found each other. It’s all there, but tainted, like pouring water into a dirty glass.
We had no choice. We screwed up each other’s heads and hearts. We had no choice but to fall in love, and so I’m baffled that he’s gone and I still love him. Mostly I’m devastated. I try to pretend that I’m moving on with my life – I really do try to move on with my life. The confusion, however, limits how far I can move. I put on my smile – yup, life is still happening, but it’s not the best possible life I could have, and then I realize – I am disappointed. I am not over him. I miss him. I’m a girl and my heart is broken. Existence’s rules fucked my shit up in the worst possible way. Why did Dave have to die? Why does my heart still hurt so much? And then I keep looking for that magic switch.
The emptiness is overwhelming. The hole he left in my life is huge. The hole this made in my heart is caustic and I’m beginning to understand I will never be the same. I will never get any part of the “old” back. But I will never get him back either. And I know now. This ache in my chest will always be there. It will always hurt to think about Dave because I can’t just think about him – I feel him. And he’s not here anymore. And that’s all I will ever get now. A feeling.