Is it only beginning to hit me now? The feeling is coming back into my soul. I can see him with my open eyes. I can see him all around me and I’m still crying but it’s different. There’s no fog to hide behind. The curtain is lifted and I’m on the stage – real life – holy fuck this is real. I have no idea what I’m doing.
I feel ridiculous. Do I get to mourn for him this long? Am I acting the victim? But then I see him again, his smile, his eyes and I remember who he was. And it hurts. It hurts deeper than I often want to go. He was real, wasn’t he? He did love me, right?
I feel lonely. I can’t help it. There’s so many people around and I’m afraid to connect with any of them. I can picture the severing. I can see it unfold down the line, in the future, and it already hurts. I’m scared. But I’m telling myself to be brave. I’m telling myself to embrace life and that this is just the way it is. We all go at some point, so cherish each one until that time comes. I try to live like that. I so want to live like that. But I know I’m not living like that. Dave lived like that. I wish I was more like him.
I feel weak. Everyone thinks I’m so strong. They say I’m doing well, but I fear I am not. I’m avoiding things, like connecting and coping. I’m afraid to move on. I’m afraid I’ll forget him. I’m afraid of the day I will wake up and not think of him. I’m scared it will mean his life means less. I know so little about him – he who made me knees weak. My Dave.
I feel disbelief. And sometimes I just sit and wonder how any of this can be real. Is death even real? What the fuck is death? And I keep asking why. I can’t stop asking why. What do you mean Dave is gone? What do you mean he’s not coming back? Why can’t I breathe? These questions drive me crazy. But I can’t stop asking them. Move on? And ignore there are no good answers? No. I want the answer I want to hear. Please don’t make me cry.
I keep having moments – here and now – of being present. I know they’re markers, signs of me waking up. Part of me is glad of them, but I also want to run and hide. There is so much pain and suffering in this life. It used to be so easy to ignore it, to hide from it, like those people who refuse to watch the news. But I’m far too aware of it now. I’m trying to mix it with the bliss. I’m trying to figure out a way to balance the joys I still know with the pain I can’t avoid. I suppose this is what we all must do. But it’s not easy. And I’m not very good at it. But then I see Dave with my open eyes. He’s looking at me. He’s smiling. I love his smile. And he’s saying, “You can do it, babe. Do it for yourself. Don’t do it for me.”