fuck off 2010


There’s a bottleneck. Everything was so spread out and now it’s all rushing into a pile trying to fit through one tiny gap. It’s like that image in the Matrix, where all the numbers come streaming together super quickly and end up becoming one single image, except it’s in my brain and I’m not capable of computer-fast processing. Now I get the time thing, though. But the image is getting clearer. The world around me is beginning to make sense. And, wow, it’s a mess. A big beautiful mess.

I have spent the past six months nurturing my soul and heart. I have paid so little attention to the destruction around me or crumbling walls of friendship, to tending to things that usually require attention or building upon things that were already started. I was busy with more important things. I was in a cocoon. I was in stasis. Survival, as it is, became more important than keeping it together. And now, as I look around at the world I live in, I realize that the things that fell apart were never built well in the first place, the friends that left were fair-weather at best and what little I am left with, what I kept, they all mean something dear to me. What’s left is what survived the end of one world and the beginning of a new one.

Stasis is weird. Life kept moving forward. Day and night cycled along, events and occasions were celebrated, relationships were created and ended, drama flitted through the folds, even children were born and other people died. Life went on, but I was frozen in time. Like I was watching a scene that had already happened. Everything was blurry and the noise was fuzzy and I couldn’t follow the story-line. I wasn’t interested. I’d seen it all before. I’d cleaned it up before. I’d created it before. I’d been there, done that. Fuck it. I watched it all from a bubble, devoid of emotion for it, lacking any investment in it. I sat and watched and nothing registered. There I was existing, using every inch of my will to just breathe – the most basic function of life.

But the reboot is in progress. The mess is beautiful because it’s just a mere mess. I didn’t miss the drama. I didn’t miss the crap that comes with power grabbing and emotional warfare. Relationship brouhaha or relative work. I didn’t miss the tangled webs of social groups. I don’t even know the latest gossip, and I don’t care. It’s not that life is short, because it can be quite long. And it’s not that life is valuable, because some people just throw it away. It’s that my life matters to me. It matters that I believe in what I do. It matters that I believe in the people I listen to. It matters that I have conviction in my choices. And all that little shit, that petty shit – it’s all some stupid illusion that dissolves the instant your whole world ends. This I know. Somethings just don’t really matter.

As it all comes to a hilt I am feeling overwhelmed. A lot of work lies before me. A lot of reconstruction. But at least it’s coming to a hilt. I’m seeing more of the bigger picture. And while I see a beautiful big mess, it doesn’t matter that it’s a mess. It matters that I can finally see it. For the mess on the outside is never as important as the mess on the inside. But there is a balance between the two, and being able to see that is definitely a sign of the system rebooting. It’s definitely a sign of the bottleneck – a million ideas and thoughts coming together to form one big picture.

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About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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One Response to fuck off 2010

  1. Courtenay Bost says:

    Hi, my friend sent me this link. I’m sorry for your broken heart. Your loss of your best friend. My love of my life, 13 years love, died 67 days ago. Skydiving. He was an experienced swooper, coach, jupmed for 22 years. Nobody knows what really went wrong, too fast, too low. Only he knows what happened. I am in such despair and heartache right now. It’s like I’ve been swallowed by a black cloud, I don’t know what to do, I’m kind of numb. I just wanted to reach out, we have a connection, it helps to know that I’m not alone.

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