Deep down I am a romantic. I marvel at sunsets. I adore the lush colours of summer. I covet the caress of a finger across my cheek. I am moved by unprovoked gestures of kindness. I smile at the playfulness of a puppy. I cherish the innocence of a child’s question of life. Deep down I care and I’m sensitive and I exist on an emotional level that I think I hide from everyone else – but I know many people see it. It is both my weakness and my strength – to care. And yet it makes me smile impishly that at times I can not care what others think if I am to be committed to feeling deeply about life.
It’s still difficult to feel new things. And yet everything I have done in the past 11 months has been new or at least somewhat new. I have gone through a lot of motions, muscle-memory, robotic responding. But with each day I tell myself it will be different. I tell myself maybe today will be easier. I tell myself that maybe today I will smile more at what I have and frown less at what I have lost. I am having faith in the positive thinking begets positive thinking idea. But as the story of my life keeps getting written, I can’t ignore there is a chapter or two that I wish never ended. Really really really wish.
Part of me does want to get over it. Part of me doesn’t, I admit. But it’s not as easy as some people may think to explain to your heart that it’ll be okay after such complete destruction to its inner workings. I can only marvel at the sunsets now. When I saw Dave in San Diego a year ago all he wanted to do was watch a sunset with me. And while a year ago today is the last time I saw him alive, I will still watch this sunset tonight and marvel at the wonder of the human heart. It’s so fragile that a trickle of pink across an orange sky can make me happy to be alive and yet the mere absence of his hand in my hand while I watch that sunset can make me question the sincerity of anything real in this life. At least the one thing I can never doubt is my own sincerity.
I truly truly miss this wonderful man. He was a romantic. I know he’ll be with me at the sunset tonight.