sincerity


Deep down I am a romantic. I marvel at sunsets. I adore the lush colours of summer. I covet the caress of a finger across my cheek. I am moved by unprovoked gestures of kindness. I smile at the playfulness of a puppy. I cherish the innocence of a child’s question of life. Deep down I care and I’m sensitive and I exist on an emotional level that I think I hide from everyone else – but I know many people see it. It is both my weakness and my strength – to care. And yet it makes me smile impishly that at times I can not care what others think if I am to be committed to feeling deeply about life.

It’s still difficult to feel new things. And yet everything I have done in the past 11 months has been new or at least somewhat new. I have gone through a lot of motions, muscle-memory, robotic responding. But with each day I tell myself it will be different. I tell myself maybe today will be easier. I tell myself that maybe today I will smile more at what I have and frown less at what I have lost. I am having faith in the positive thinking begets positive thinking idea. But as the story of my life keeps getting written, I can’t ignore there is a chapter or two that I wish never ended. Really really really wish.

Part of me does want to get over it. Part of me doesn’t, I admit. But it’s not as easy as some people may think to explain to your heart that it’ll be okay after such complete destruction to its inner workings. I can only marvel at the sunsets now. When I saw Dave in San Diego a year ago all he wanted to do was watch a sunset with me. And while a year ago today is the last time I saw him alive, I will still watch this sunset tonight and marvel at the wonder of the human heart. It’s so fragile that a trickle of pink across an orange sky can make me happy to be alive and yet the mere absence of his hand in my hand while I watch that sunset can make me question the sincerity of anything real in this life. At least the one thing I can never doubt is my own sincerity.

I truly truly miss this wonderful man. He was a romantic. I know he’ll be with me at the sunset tonight.

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About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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One Response to sincerity

  1. Krista Zee says:

    Great post lady,

    I was a friend of Dave’s back in highschool and can not even begin to imagine what you have gone through this past year. Be strong, but always allow yourself the right to feel weak. Remember him always and treasure what you had.

    Cheers,

    KZ

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