Motueka or bust

Tata Beach

It’s just a few more days now. Five to be exact. But I suppose I don’t get there for six more days. And then there’s that whole issue with November 30th. It just disappears from my life – never to be seen or heard from again. All on account of that International Dateline.

It’s still so bizarre to think I’m going to New Zealand again. I have been walking around like a zombie for over a year now. And a part of me thinks this trip will be my jumpstart. My re-ignition. My saving grace to resuscitate me back into the world of the living. Perhaps I already have too many expectations. But I don’t think its a bad thing to want. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing to put myself in the jumpseat and go for it.

It doesn’t really feel like it’s happening though, and I think that’s because I’ve been avoiding thinking about it. It’s like Cinderella’s pumpkin in my mind. If I think about it before I get there – it might magically transform into some other kind of experience. I want to arrive there with a clean mind and let everything that happens be free of expectation and preconceived notions. Guess I’m already screwing that up. But imagine. Each day a surprise – void of presumption. Hah. I think I need to wish myself luck.

I started packing last night. It’s kind of hard. So I figure I’ll do more of it tomorrow evening. Usually I go to the gym on Friday evenings – it’s empty and I like that. But seeing as I had a rough landing this week and sort of twisted my ankle, the gym is o-u-t. So packing it is. Am I being too pre-emptive on this? I mean, is there such a thing as packing too early?

And then there’s Saturday. Someone convinced me to have a going away party. I tried to fight this. It’s more my style to excuse myself to the washroom and have a car waiting in the parking lot to take me to the airport. I hate good-byes, and these ones will be tough. For the past year this place has been home for me. My co-workers and friends have helped me grow and overcome so many of the issues that landed on my heart and my mind that June 10th. This place has been my healing garden, so perhaps it’s not too weird to think of myself as having grown enough to leave the safety of this place. To hop the fence and explore once again – to go along for the ride. I just hope I can stop thinking about what’s going to happen and just let life happen as it’s going to. There’s just somethings that are out of my control – but my thoughts shouldn’t ever be one of them.


About humanbeen

I'm a has-been that was. I'm a dreamer that does.
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