A heavy feeling has been washing over me. It’s pressing on every panic button I have. Every single one. If I wasn’t so damn distracted with ignoring my own disconnection from the world I would most likely be freaking out right now. But I’m not freaking out, I’m actually kind of piqued. Everyday lately I have been hit with the “purpose” bat. It’s in the movies, it’s in random quotes, it’s in people’s status updates. Purpose. For the past year and a half my purpose was very basic – to survive. And now that I’ve kinda mastered that I’m wondering what else there is. And I’m wondering where my decision-making genius has been coming from. Why I uprooted my life and moved to San Diego when it seemed like the most destructive thing I could do. Why I’m leaving to New Zealand tomorrow for a mere four month work jaunt – to the country I left to that last winter I had Dave. Where is my reason coming from? I’m completely unaware of its source. And do I have any purpose, any objective … lurking in some depth of my consciousness?
But consciousness is so far from what I have felt of late. In the past week I have been more aware than ever of how introverted I have been. And how dark and messed-up the webs of my thoughts have been. Auto-pilot got me through the days whilst I spent all my mental energy untangling the mess in my head. The time for auto-pilot is over. I am more than capable of getting myself through the days now. I’m tired of hibernating. I’m tired of licking my wounds. I’m tired of the darkness. I have scars. I get it. I will always miss Dave, and I will always have a profound understanding of loss. But I want a life again. I don’t want to live in my head anymore.
Perhaps this next stage of my journey is to uncover my purpose. Perhaps I am meant to be in New Zealand so I can figure out where I need to go and what I need to do. So I can make new decisions and reinvent my life. So I am forced to start living amongst so much familiar unfamiliarity. And so I have no excuses to dwell in the darkness. It’s mostly sunshine and lollipops there. And now that I’m on my own again, and beginning to be at peace with that, I think I need to take advantage of it. And besides, there are some perks to being on my own in a foreign land. This time around I’m single in New Zealand – the adventure capital of the world. I could really use a good adventure. Next stop – Motueka. The adventure begins. Don’t panic.