I’ve been aware of this day approaching for the past two months. Obviously. Sometimes I can’t get it out of my head. But it’s not like it’s a dark cloud that blocks the sun. I suppose it’s more like a translucent balloon – cloudy enough to mar the sun, but not so dense as to conceal it. I miss Dave everyday. I don’t need a specific date to realize he’s gone. And yet I almost looked forward to June 10th’s arrival this year. Almost.
It dawned on me whilst I was scuba diving and enjoying myself on an Indonesian island that I had come so far. I’ve pushed myself through so many life changes and overcome so many fears. I’ve been fulfilling some of my life-long dreams because I know – you might not have as much time as you think.
In the time since he passed beyond this world I forged ahead blindly, trusting that if I watched the signs of the world I would end up where I needed to be. It would’ve been easy to be that tragic figure who blames everything in her life on the death of her boyfriend. But my good friend Mali’s voice kept sounding in my head. “Don’t let this define you.” And then I would remember the promise Dave made me make to him, that should he die, I had to move on right away. And then I’d picture those tragic people and I knew I didn’t want to end up like that.
If I can make it through another June 10th having done something new and exciting with my life it means I’m moving on. If I can keep my chin up. If I can smile at men. Heck, if I can even let them sweet talk me, it means I’m no longer living in the grief world. That’s a dark world. But at some point I had to cross a line where my life with Dave became a part of my past, no matter how guilty that made me feel.
I know this seems so easy. It seems so realistic. But if you’ve never been through grief, you will never truly understand how self-preserving your mind can be.
But so here I am. Happy-ish. Optimistic. I have a good life. I’m on a great adventure. And while I still tear-up when I think of that man, I’m still ecstatic about the chapter he added to my life. My past life. Damn, he was a great guy. And damn, I’m lucky to have had his love. I still love him. All but for that terrible event three years ago – which really confused my feelings for him for a little while.
So much can happen in three years. And when people tell me they like how I live my life I want to tell them how hard it was to get here – but I can’t. That’s subjective. I mean, when I was obliged to start this new life of mine three years ago I figured, how much worse could it really get? So I started living the life I wanted to live and trusted in myself to do whatever was necessary to get through – even if that meant quitting jobs, living in bunkhouses, switching countries or travelling the world. Uncertainty can be hard for many people, I thrive on it, but I know what it really is.
That bubble’s gotta pop sometime. I wonder where I’ll be when I can finally see the sun.