Once again I find myself at a crossroads in life – my life having taken a sudden and heart-felt turn. It’s not that I’m upset – though understandably I am upset. It’s not even that this event was much out of my control and line of vision, even though I feel as though I should’ve seen it coming. What has turned me to look at the roads that lay before me is the wonderment that it’s once again all about me. I’m free to choose whatever I want. And worse still, I always was, even if I wasn’t entirely aware or practising that fact. I’m not sure if I’ve ever done it correctly in a relationship. Should I have always put myself first? Should I have never included him in my life choices? Maybe I’ve always been doing it wrong. I probably have a lot to learn. Maybe that’s why I say I’m pretty good single.
When I originally decided to stay and try to make a life in Sweden, the decision was made on my own as there was no man in my life at that time. The fact that I had made this decision sans him elated him. My original plans to survive the Swedish winter quickly transformed, and I found myself doing very few of the things I had promised myself I would do – and became a devoted girlfriend. Why? I’m gonna say it’s because underneath this tough-girl exterior, I’m a hopeless romantic. I long for candle-lit dinners walks in the snow, snuggling on the sofa and watching a movie. So I stayed, spent all my spare time cultivating a relationship, and put many of my own aspirations aside. I still did things I wanted to do – like the romantic things, but there was always this feeling of anxiety that pervaded my daily life. I was constantly worried that it would all just disappear one day. Like it did when Dave died. I couldn’t shake it. It was like I was under a spell. But it wasn’t a spell. I knew how hard I fall when I fall – and I knew I was in dangerous territory.
Things change. Life changes. It’s by far the most consistent thing we can expect in life. That, and that other people are unpredictable. When he decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me – my heart instantly broke. But something else happened in that moment. I knew, because I had survived something much worse, that I would survive this too. So now that I find myself single I have to question what I am doing here in Sweden. Is this the place I want to build a life? This place where I struggle with the language, where the culture is so very different to the one I was raised with, where people are cold and prefer to live alone, where the quality of life is one of the best in the world. In spite of everything that has only recently happened, do I want to continue to live in this country? Maybe Swedes have figured out the secret – that most of us prefer to be alone despite what life we think we should be living. Or maybe I’m just trying to make sense of my broken heart.
I can do anything. I don’t have to stay in Sweden. I don’t have to keep packing parachutes – an endeavour I no longer want to put energy into. I am asking myself, digging deep, what will make me happy? What is the source of my happiness? What makes me feel good and sure and stable in this world? What fills me up? How can I love myself, and give myself everything I need?
These are questions I should never have stopped asking myself, and they’re outcomes I should never have ignored for the sake of romance. The answers have changed many times throughout my life, and I’m usually on top of this shit. But I suppose I got lost. At some point I forgot to put me first. The hopeless romantic in me had crazy ideas, flowed with my heart, and I let love control my life. Sometimes I really love that side of me, but it’s not realistic. Love is a choice, not a feeling. One can’t go on living like that forever.
I stand at a crossroads, and I’m not sure what to do. Logic tells me the most effective thing would be to show myself some love. After that the answers should come – and they’ll come from a place deep inside of me where I only hear my own voice – not the voices of the world telling me what kind of woman I should be, what kind of lover I should be, and what kind of life I should be living.
I wish I had all the answers instantly. I wish I always knew how to act and who to be. But the truth is, the experience of life is why we’re here. I love my life. I really do. I just wish I was a bit more logical at times – but then I would never have made it to Sweden – and I regret nothing. Life goes on. And so will I.
Humanbeen's Blog 